Love, What Life is All About

Love is a learned phenomenon.... What worries me is that maybe many of us are unhappy with the way we've learned it. As experienced human beings, we must certainly believe in one thing more than anything else -Change. And so, if you don't like where you're at in terms of love, you can change it. You can create a new scene. You can only give away what you have. That's the miracle. If you have love, you can give it. If you don't have it, you don't have it to give. Actually, it's not really a matter of giving, is it? It's a matter of sharing. Whatever I have, I can share with you. I don't lose it because I still have it. For example, I could teach people everything I know, and I would still know everything I know. It is possible to love everyone with equal intensity and still have all the love energy I have ever had. There are a lot of miracles to being a human but this is one of the greatest miracles.

-Leo Buscaglia
Love, What Life is All About

Don't Eat Dirt.

So often we find ourselves seeking in our adult lives what wasn’t given to us or fulfilled when we were children. The need is almost like a vitamin deficiency. When we need Iron or Potassium, our bodies crave foods that are high in these vitamins. I have even heard of stories where pregnant women eat dirt because their bodies are needing Iron so much. The same is true for our emotional state. We have to be careful that the deficit isn’t so great that we are willing to fill it with whomever comes along that “feels like love”. We have to love ourselves enough to listen to ourselves and not “eat dirt”, if you will.

I was deficient of love and acceptance as a child. I went through many of my childhood years feeling invisible, unloved, unheard. It seemed I didn't matter much. So aside from singing constantly, I kept pretty quiet and to myself. I remember one day when my mother had come to visit. It was the summer time and my grandmothers yellow roses were in full bloom. Although I knew better than to pick them, I did anyway. I wanted to give one to my mother as a gift. I must have held onto that rose for an hour before I worked up the courage to finally give it to her. I was afraid of rejection, I guess. Afraid she wouldn't want it. I always felt like a burden to everyone. A burden to my father, he left. A burden to my mother, she left, a burden to my grandmother, she complained about having to raise my sister and I. I was nearly adopted out to my grandfather's brother and wife, and I remember the unsettling feeling I had at the thought of being taken away from my older sister. I felt like home was nowhere, and I felt unwanted everywhere. The only person I never felt like a burden to was my grandfather. He took the time to talk, to teach, to ask questions, to pray with me, to offer me pencils and a drawing pad, to tell stories, to take me to church. My grandmother did love us to the best of her ability but children cannot process this type of “unspoken love”. Children need to be hugged, held, listened to, accepted, comforted and told they are loved. As I got a little older, I learned that I must not deserve it, and that I wouldn’t get it, anyway, so I learned to be OK without having any of it. Life became easier when I didn't have to worry myself with the need for love. But the truth is, even if we don't want love, we can't help it. We are just wired that way. We are wired for love, happiness and joy. That is what we seek most on our journey through life. We cannot deny our natural human needs, so what happens is, our body finds ways to fill the needs.

I have had moments of uncertainty, when I have felt a partner disconnect emotionally, I find myself second guessing my worth or feeling insecure and reverting right back to those feelings I had as a child where I felt alone and “not worth the fuss”. I shrink back and cover up. I think that maybe I asked for too much. “I should just go away now, so as to not be a bigger burden. Why did I think I could be worth something to this person, why did I open up to them? Stupid me.”  What I’m re-learning, however, is it’s not wrong to open up, to trust, to be vulnerable, to need affection, to ask for what we need from a partner that we love and trust. It's dangerous to need something so much that we look for it outside of ourselves, or with the wrong person. We have to get a place where we know that we are worth it, we are lovable, we are enough.  We have to understand our value and love ourselves enough to not eat dirt.

Osho shares his thoughts on making love.

Making love is a gift. Most of us forget the sacredness of sex. It is perhaps one of the most beautiful treasures in life that we take for granted. While it should be honored as a moment to savor, we rush. If you could, for a moment, think of the person you are in love with. Now imagine tomorrow is the last time you will have the opportunity to make love to them. How will you choose to experience this last, sacred moment with this person? Will you be rushed and hurry off or will you savor every minute? In life, we have taken our sacred gifts: breathing, eating, observing, resting, love-making, and we rush through all of it, mindlessly. We take it for granted. We are constantly in a state of what was yesterday and what will be tomorrow but very few times we think about what is right now. We assume that there is always tomorrow, so we forget to appreciate what is right now. The present moment is what exists. Tomorrow does not exist yet. Do not assume that it will. Right here, right now, exists. And in everything we do, we should devote ourself to it, be fully present with it. Sex should have its own sacred space, it should be transcendent and nurturing, but it has become tarnished and abused. In our culture, it is not treated as sacred but merely as an act or an object. It is used to sell products, it is shown violently on television, and it is viewed as something to conquer, not as something to share. Please, take a moment to listen to Osho’s words. It is worth every minute of your time.

Beginnings, Endings and Distant Places

Los Angeles, a year later. It was refreshing to see the same streets, the same places, feel the weather as warm, sunny and predictable as it was the last time I was here. There is a constance here that feels comfortable and so safe. There are no negative footprints left behind anywhere for me here in Los Angeles. The orange trees, the giant palms and tropical plants, all speak kindly to me. I'm easily reminded of why I loved this place so much and although bittersweet, I'm glad to be here right now.

My first stop was California Vegan located on Sunset Blvd. They offer the most non-vegan looking OR tasting Vegan you could ever imagine. Looks like shrimp, tastes like shrimp, isn't really shrimp. Same with the "chicken" skewers. Awesome.

I trekked on over to The House of Intuition in Silverlake area. What a beautiful and tranquil place. I bought a few crystals: Chrysocolla, Moss Agate, Flourite and Rhodochrosite. After my metaphysical adventure, I was off to Melrose Ave. to visit Crossroads Trading Co. as well as the various stores in the area. The street didn't seem as lively as it once had. Perhaps it was because it was Wednesday, perhaps it is because of this damned economy or perhaps it was because of the glasses I was looking through. It felt very..quiet, calm and yes, a bit lonely.

I'm still struggling very much with my emotions. But the good news is, I am not angry. I'll never let anger take over me again.

Reminders of a distant past seem to be everywhere; and my pain comes and goes in unrelenting waves. I feel as though I wander numbly, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, how long I will feel this way and how low I will go. I wish I knew what to expect next. I am in a beautiful, comfortable space and yet the loneliness and uncertainty is fighting to overshadow all of it.

Marriage

Most ancient societies needed a secure environment for the perpetuation of the species, a system of rules to handle the granting of property rights, and the protection of bloodlines. The institution of marriage handled these needs. For instance, ancient Hebrew law required a man to become the husband of a deceased brother's widow.

The original establishment of marriage was not created to withstand the modern day challenges we face today. We are scared and question whether or not an expiration date exists for our relationships. We feel guilty, confused and angry. We blame ourselves for the failure; we scratch our heads and try to make sense of why marriages don’t last and it’s no surprise to realize that the answer mostly lies in ‘change’. We cannot completely go blameless in the situation of divorce but are we also being too hard on ourselves? Logically, we cannot fit old practices into a society that has long since outgrown the old ideals in which the very arrangement was founded upon. Everything surrounding marriages as they used to be has drastically changed. We clearly see the evidence today amidst the laws preventing gay couples to legally marry.

Ancient and antique marriage institutions were just that: Institutions created for financial, business and familial preservation. When we look at the contrast between today and even 200 years ago, we can make better sense of it all. We are in a society where divorce is easy and more acceptable, equality exists and women and men are now in need of sexual attention; the original need for marriages are no longer there. Marriage has become more of an elective, rather than a required course. Women have a voice and rights. Women (or men) no longer need to be married to have children; men and women have a choice of being with a man or a woman. Women no longer need to change their last names, women no longer need to be married to make sure they are cared for financially; They can go to school, earn as much as a male counterpart, buy a house and ultimately, take care of themselves.

The principles of marriage are changing. Marriage is no longer just a religious, familial or financial arrangement. In fact, many couples are throwing out the church completely and getting married in non-religious ceremonies.

I am not anti-marriage at all. Marriage means a higher level of commitment with a sense of security. It shows that a couple is willing to take all of the risks because they believe in their relationship and in each other. I highly commend anyone who is able to hold it together for 25-50 years. I admire their tenacity and devotion. I can only hope and aspire to have a relationship in which we are able to stay together against all odds, including our own human instincts.

The modern day meaning of marriage has changed but perhaps in the following decades it will take on more significance and a deeper level of commitment when we realize it is never a requirement for preservation or procreation; it is not something we feel we should have to do because Mom won’t leave us alone about giving her grandchildren, when women realize it isn’t about “having your day” and being a princess; When society stops making us feel like a self-indulgent oddball because we are not married yet, or when marriage stops becoming a financial leg up for those who desire to take from someone who has worked hard for what they have. Rather, I hope marriage in the future will take on a more momentous role and become a powerful form of expression between two very committed humans who want nothing else from each other but unconditional love and a lifelong companionship.