We evolve at the rate of the tribe we are plugged into

Humans, by nature, are tribal. We surround ourselves in tribes of kindred souls. The more like minded people we are exposed to, the more we learn about who we are, grow and are inspired. My father used to say "If you want to soar with eagles, you can't peck with chickens". If we are curious about our life, what we want and what it is that maybe we aren't getting, it is possible to look at our surroundings, our friends and ask if these people inspire us, 'get' us or challenge us. What is it that we want to learn and are we surrounding ourselves with people who nurture that?

The Four Agreements

During our early life we began making agreements. Our parents rewarded us when we did what they wanted and they punished us when we didn’t. We also learned behaviors and habits in school, church, and from other adults and children on the playground. The tools of reward and punishment were often emotional and sometimes physical. The impact of other people’s opinions and reactions to us became a very strong force in the habits we created. In this process we created agreements in our mind of who we should be, what we shouldn’t be, who we were, and who we were not. Over time we learned to live our life based on the agreements in our own mind. We learned to live according to the agreements that came from the opinion of others. In this process of domestication it turns out that the choices we make and the life we live is more driven by the opinions we learned from others than one we would choose on our own.


The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.


As you begin living these four practices, your life will dramatically change. In the beginning these new habits will be challenging and you will lapse countless times. With practice these agreements become integrated into your being and every area of your life and become easy habits to keep.

Insomnia creeps in

Here lately, my nights have seemed to get longer, my eyes a little redder the next day. I’m not sure if it’s the deep repose of my former life or me feeling anxious for the things to come. I am unable to sleep and the sleep I do get consists of these recurring, epic dreams of heartbreak and loss. I wake up feeling as though I drank a whole bottle of wine the night before. Truth is, I’d be doing good to just be able to finish a whole glass with dinner. I miss eating good, hearty meals and laughing at a dinner table. I miss latin music and balmy summer nights. And I especially miss my fellow insomniac friend on nights (mornings) like this. When I went through these cycles, he was always up, just like me, to answer the phone and talk to until I got tired enough to fall asleep. He passed away two years ago in June. Now, on nights such as these, I am alone with just the quiet. And while that isn’t so bad most of the time because I can actually hear myself think, I lament the frequency of these quiet, lonely nights and wish for a time when I will at least have an option.
I desperately feel the need to travel now more than ever. I don’t know if it’s something I’m looking for so much as it is something I’m listening for. Maybe I just want to be alone with myself, to find comfort in the friend and voice inside of me, the one that knows me better than anyone, even as much as my insomniac friend who is no longer here to break the silence, to talk nonsense with me, encourage me until I feel peaceful enough to fall asleep.

Cambodia is for..Lovers? Well, not exactly, but...

Perhaps my Korean bath house experience stirred something inside of me regarding the Asian cultures, or maybe it was a conversation I had with a friend of mine who is from Cambodia, but for the last few days I have been soaking up all information I can find regarding Southeast Asia, namely, Cambodia. Agriculture has long been the most important sector to the Cambodian economy, with around 59% of the population relying on agriculture for their livelihood (with rice being the principal crop). Other important sectors include garments (yay for me!), construction and tourism - foreign visitors to Angkor Wat numbered more than 4 million in 2007.

The capital city, Phnom Penh has a population of about 2 million people but there are also cities and villages outside which are appealing to me as well. Not to mention the beautiful white sand beaches in Sihanoukville.

The idea of visiting somewhere totally different like Southeast Asia sounds like such an amazing adventure of perspective, humanity, spirit and self. I have also learned that it is very easy to live there in terms of actually living and working. So many places are available for staying but so few offer the living and working experience without a lengthy process of immigrations and visas. The cost of living is also really cheap ($250 per month rents with all bills included) and the costs of meals, appx. $2-$5 per day. Getting around is also a breeze. You can either hop on a tuk-tuk for $1 or rent your own scooter. For those who intend to stay longer, you can buy your own. I imagine myself on a scooter...minus the hospital scrubs, of course.

Then there is the realm of the gods at the mother of all temples, Angkor Wat, a spectacular fusion of symbolism, symmetry and spirituality. Angkor Wat was originally built as a Hindu temple but has long since been converted to a Buddhist temple.

Although Cambodia is not the first place one would think of for a vacation, let alone an extended stay, I think it could encompass all things for the person seeking a new opportunity, a project, a break, good food, good atmosphere, inexpensive accomodations and a warm, friendly environment. And although I have never been there to know for sure, something tells me it could be a place to fall in love with.

So, there. I leave you with a few photos and tidbits of Cambodia...the often less thought of country in Southeast Asia.

A Korean Bath House.. in Dallas.

Last night's adventure took me to King Spa & Sauna, a Korean bath house right in Dallas. I had set my sights on King Spa for almost a year when a friend of mine decided to celebrate her birthday there. For three weeks I waited in anticipation. I don't know if it was the quasi-nervousness of being naked around strangers in an unfamiliar place or the idea of the mental release of a hot salt room that appealed to me most. Perhaps it's a little like traveling. Anything that offers a new perspective, a chance to get outside my comfortable shell or a new cultural experience, I'm ready and willing.

When you first enter the spa you pay a 24 hour flat rate fee of $18 and get your locker key and a number. That number is your identity for the rest of your visit at the spa. I was #169. You then take an oversized pink spa shorts and top (no shoes past this point) Shoes are kept in a locker to the left and clothes and personal belongings are kept in a separate locker to the right. Disrobing is done in a communal locker room setting and the towels are only a hand-towel size. So, it's up to you to choose which part of yourself to cover up (if you must). You've got three areas, the towel only covers one! At this point, I looked at my friend, both of us stripped of all clothes and we are 'all out there'. All we could do was smile and say "Hello!" As domesticated humans, we never do this. Honestly, it was very freeing to be in my natural human state. It’s amazing how much you feel alive. There were a lot of different women: Korean, white, European, old, young, fat, skinny, it didn't matter. No one's really looking. But the Korean women wash and scrub for an hour and they scrub each others' backs. I thought it very nurturing and from a loving, almost sacramental place. Not an ounce of weird taboo anywhere in the room. Here in America, I like to call us the land of Puritanism and prudery. Somewhere we learn to be ashamed of our naked bodies. The truth is, of course there is a time to be modest but there is a time for cleansing, not only of the body, but also of the mind. And in that state, there is no room for shame or guilt or hiding. It is the time to renew, refresh and connect with each other, ourselves. It’s a moment in our lives when we are stripped of everything, and we begin to really feel connected to self and to embrace our “nakedness” and vulnerability with a smile. This should be our ritual, whether we are in a room with others (though seldom) or by ourselves.

After the hot and cold spas, we clothed ourselves in the oversized pink spa attire and made our way to the oxygen room and the hot rock rooms. My favorite was the salt room. This room is made of 350 million year old natural salt base rocks. Salt is a natural preservative and the heat and humidity from the sauna allows for the skin to be exposed the healing properties of the salt.

After one has had enough of the spas and saunas, there are movies to watch in the theater, food to be eaten at the restaurant (not completely authentic, but I hear it's close) and karaoke to be sung at the bar.

And for $18, you can do all of this for the next 24 hours. The perfect day spa.

The Art of Being Alone

I love this. It literally makes my heart sing and my eyes tear up. Love.

Don't believe everything you (or others) tell you

Sharing an excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz
Centuries ago, people believed that the earth was flat. Some said that elephants were supporting the earth, and that made them feel safe. The belief that the earth was flat was considered the truth, and almost everybody agreed, but did that make it true? It was nothing but a superstition, and I can assure you that we still live in a world of superstition. The question is: Are we aware of it?

Wherever you go, you will hear all kinds of opinions and stories from other people. You will find great storytellers wanting to tell you what you should do with your life: "You should do this, you should do that, you should do whatever." Don't believe them. Be skeptical, but learn to listen and then make your choices. Be responsible for every choice you make in your life. This is your life; it's nobody else's life, and you will find that it's nobody else's business what you do with your life.

Living Your Authentic Self

Authentic Self


When you're asked, "Who are you?" what is your answer? "I'm a mom." "I'm a doctor." "I live in Ohio." Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do, what your social station is, or how you see your function in life. You can't answer who you are, because you don't know.


There is another level of existence that is the real, true, genuine substance of who you are. It's what is defined as the authentic self.


The authentic self is the you that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do.


Fictional Self


When you're not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hole in your soul. You may have found that it's easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value.


When you live a life that has you ignoring your true gifts and talents while performing assigned or inherited roles instead, you are living as your fictional self.


The fictional self sends you false information about who you are and what you should be doing with your life. It blocks the information you need in order to maintain the connection with your authentic identity. Relying on information from the fictional self means you're putting your trust in a broken compass.

REMINDERS FOR THE JOURNEY

Marriage issues that lead to divorce 90% of the time

Over a decade and a half ago, researcher and psychologist, John Gottman, conducted some of the best marriage research that has ever been done, and wrote about it in a book titled, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In his book, he identified four elements or dynamics that take place in troubled marriages, and claims that if even one of these is present and not changed, it will predict divorce in 9 out of 10 marriages. Many of the marriages that see me in my counseling office contain not just one of these, but often all four.

The elements, which he terms “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,”a phrase borrowed from the Book of Revelation in the New Testament, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and withdrawal, and I will elaborate briefly on each of these as my “reminder” this week. Virtually all marital partners will practice these destructive elements at least occasionally. They become even more destructive when they are chronic and not identified. Identification is important as we cannot change that which we don't recognize.

If one or both of the partners practice constant criticism, the marriage cannot have intimacy, as the recipient of criticism will not feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, there can be no real emotional connection; hence the marriage will lack closeness and will at best only be a role relationship rather than a personal relationship. Many extramarital affairs take place out of marriages that lack intimacy. We live in a critical culture and often can't even identify that which constitutes criticism. If any of my readers want to know more about this, send me an e-mail and I will send a handout titled “House Rules,” that defines criticism.

Concerning the second element, defensiveness, we can be assured that if criticism exists, defensiveness will also be present. Just because another person is critical, we don't have to be defensive, but almost everyone will be. If we realize that our partner is often defensive, we would do well to examine if our criticism is inviting the defensive response.

If criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal, or stonewalling, are present, the third element will likely develop. It is contempt, or stated succinctly, the partners eventually just don't like each other. How can any relationship endure in a healthy way – or at all – when partners feel disgust or contempt for each other?

As destructive as the above 3 elements are, Gottman considers the most lethal to be withdrawal, or stonewalling, as when this is practiced, there is no chance for the couple to effectively resolve issues between them. Men are more likely to withdraw than are women, probably at a clip of 8 out of 10 times. In defense of stonewallers, though, I understand why this happens, as the withdrawer's experience is that when the couple engages, nothing constructive ever happens, and rather than digging the hole even deeper, he simply refuses to talk about it.

I don't think we are born with the ability to practice marriage well, and most of us are from families in which our parents' marriage was less than stellar. As a result, if we hope to succeed at making our marriages work well, we have to not only love each other, but also learn a few things about “how to do” marriage.

(Doug Smith is a licensed professional counselor in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.)

Jeans: From the Drawing Board to the Dressing Room

What happens in the fashion world before that coveted garment ever hits the runway? Many people are unaware of the life cycle of a garment. From the time it is conceived in the mind of the creative genius to the moment the factory breathes life into it and the second it enters a sales floor, it goes through stages of it’s own life. And each phase has it’s own story. Until my friends met me, they rarely thought to look beyond face value at a garment and realize there was actually a person who thought of every little detail. The zippers and buttons, though merely functional to the naked eye were well thought out and designed by someone. Someone somewhere decided on that element for the garment. The thread color was the idea of the designer, the shape of the rear pocket, it’s placement on the jeans that determines the way your rear end will look. There is a progression of stages, thoughts, science and art that is poured into every garment you’ll ever wear. The life of a garment travels through many hands and many places before it ever reaches yours. It starts with a drawing and raw fabric. A collaboration of designers, assistants, fabric and trim agents, patternmakers, cutters, sewers, finishers, washers, sales reps and marketers all have a part in creating a garment that you as a consumer choose to wear. No doubt we have all seen Project Runway and were fascinated by the drama, glamour and hopeful fame and fortune that the designers wish for. The truth is it isn’t all glamour, glitz and notoriety. It’s hard work with its share of tragedy and comedy, delays, financial loss, sweatshops, competition, snags and stress. We are dealing with thousands of apparel units and very strict deadlines. If you ever have the opportunity to visit an apparel manufacturing facility in downtown L.A. you will quickly learn that there is no glamour in fashion beyond a New York runway. There is no such thing as a designer without a chaotic workspace. This is the life of fashion that I know.
So, the next time you try on a great pair of jeans, keep in mind it’s history and know that there were many talented people who worked hard to make that garment happen.

Flying out of Wonderland

Today’s blog message comes straight from my seat on flight 388. This past week in LA was rejuvenating. It was all about my emotional awareness, growing, reconnecting with my friends and finding my spiritual self. But my last thoughts on the plane seem to resonate deeper and summarize a clearer messsage for what I have really learned. I have realized that love still exists. In me. I think I spent so many years trying to figure out if I was even capable of loving completely or not. A relationship that ended badly, showed me that I am indeed capable of vulnerable love - Receiving and giving, freely. This lesson, however, was not about knowing if I was lovable or not. It was about learning about my limitations in love. I discovered I am stronger and capable of more than I thought. I realized I could indeed love someone enough to be with them forever, I could take risks. I can wake up to the same beautiful person every morning, even on days when I don’t feel so beautiful, nor do they. I realized that lost love fucking hurts. I mean, really hurts like hell. But there’s beauty in that pain. It feels wonderful to FEEL. Even if it stings. I am alive inside, I am connected to all of me and that’s the beautiful part of living.

Today I believe in love more than I thought possible. You’d think I’d be in a sour space full of jaded comments and a crinkled nose as I contemplate love and relationships. But in fact, it’s just the opposite. I feel a sense of clarity and trust in myself and in others that I didn’t have before.
I want to be with someone who knows me inside and out because he takes the time to learn me, and allows me to learn who he is. Someone who appreciates who I am. One who weathers any storm we are faced with, who will stand there with me when I need him the most.
I want him to believe in the investment of time, sometimes hard times, that make us closer. I want to laugh with him until my face hurts and share all of my ridiculous theories or fears with him. I want to be with the same man until I am friggin older than dirt. That’s the good stuff. That’s what it’s about for me. So when it’s time to stop and smell a rose or two, I will be present. Totally, completely, purely. Today I feel like a completely different person.

And I love me more than ever.

“Love is the best part…So what if we get hurt”.

Not a cloud in sight

I guess my big question today is, "Where am I now"? I'm in a happier place, I know that much. Being out here has been a tremendous catalyst on so many levels. Without a doubt, this is the happiest place in my world right now. But the question still remains, "What next?" I have a lot of great ideas, and that's a fantastic start. Or, perhaps that is a question not ready to be answered just yet. I feel like I am in warp speed right now and time is completely relative. What I went through seems so far away that I can't even understand or relate to it anymore. It's now this foggy cloud of weird, confusing, painful images and I feel as though I just woke up from a very bad dream.

This whole week has been so centered around no agenda, no daily plan, just going with the flow, a lot of spirituality, finding my center, eating good food and surrounding myself with my friends. They have been wonderful. I don't think they understand how much I love and appreciate them. But I do. I've learned that you can get through ANYTHING in life if you have the support of family and friends. They are our umbrellas in life; It can't rain forever. Storms pass and the sun will come out again.

A little Cherokee Wisdom

A woman's highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite
with source. Her lowest calling is to seduce, separate man from soul,
and leave him aimlessly wandering. A man's highest calling is to protect
woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed. Man's lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into a woman's life." - Cherokee Wisdom

Whatever spirit we are born into (masculine or feminine), we must embrace what is instinctually and biologically attached to it and use it in it's purest form to create harmony and balance in our relationships.

Lighting Up

Tonight was a friends' birthday and the party was held at a bowling alley in the Mid-Wilshire area. It was so nice to see a few of my friends that I hadn't seen in a while. Initially, it felt like it had been all of three years since I'd seen them last but after a few moments, it was like no time had passed at all. I had always worried that in the time I was gone from LA, would I lose my friendships or miss something. As it turns out, I have not missed much and it's really easy to pick up where I left off.

Tomorrow night is a ‘Rent Party’ at a nearby bungalow here in Hollywood. Rent parties started in Harlem in the 1920’s as a way for tenants to raise money for their rent. There was usually live jazz, music and a hat was passed around for the donations. This one will feature music, soul food and new, interesting people to meet. I’m looking forward to it.

Today was a good day. I feel at peace and content with where my life is right now. It feels good to have GOOD options, a plan, beautiful energy around me and hope. I feel as though the universe is wide open for whatever I want to do. Whether it's writing a book or something in the healing arts or more fashion design. I am exploring my thoughts, options and feelings right now. But mostly, just breathing.

Gettin' in the Groove

It only took two days in LA for me to be inspired and get my creative energies moving. This city never ceases to amaze me. Even in it's slump, I am finding pearls. Today started off a little bit lazy. I headed to Wacko's first to acquire a new Shag sticker. Alas, they were just about out and the two styles they had left were a naked woman with two goat-men or a guy in a blue suit with a cigarette. I'm just sad that I won't be here on Sept. 11th as Shag signs the last 100 8-ball posters in Burbank.

On to the next stop for home made fries and ketchup at Umami Burger. It wasn't what I had hoped for. The fries tasted strange and the homemade ketchup was entirely too sweet. I asked for Dijon mustard in an attempt to save my giant frites but it ended up being way too potent! Pretty much a loss there.

The Griffith Park Observatory was next. LA was even smoggier today than usual. The view was good but the funky haze lingered low.

Up Beachwood Drive into old Hollywood (aka Hollywoodland). I stopped into an antiques shop. Typical little shop: dusty, dimly lit, a lot of obscure pieces and the biggest Roseville vase I had ever seen. The shop owner was pretty proud of it. I found a nice little purchase, however. A large Rose Quartz and sterling silver pendant ($15). Simply beautiful. Supposedly, it attracts love. The cafe that I wanted to stop into had already closed so I will have to try again tomorrow. It's an adorable little cafe with the most delicious looking pies and pastries. I'm around 110 lbs. right now but I will gain about 3 pounds before I leave this place, I know it!

In the evening, I was invited to go to The Comedy Store. It was a fairly small crowd but most of the comedians were funny and I needed the laughs. Wouldn't you know it, Marlon Wayans showed up as a surprise guest! He was pretty good. A far cry from his movie, "White Chicks".

Overall, Day 2 was good. I have decided to move forward with my Denim 101 book. Ideas are still forming on this and I'll need a few more days yet but it feels very promising!

Beginnings, Endings and Distant Places

Los Angeles, a year later. It was refreshing to see the same streets, the same places, feel the weather as warm, sunny and predictable as it was the last time I was here. There is a constance here that feels comfortable and so safe. There are no negative footprints left behind anywhere for me here in Los Angeles. The orange trees, the giant palms and tropical plants, all speak kindly to me. I'm easily reminded of why I loved this place so much and although bittersweet, I'm glad to be here right now.

My first stop was California Vegan located on Sunset Blvd. They offer the most non-vegan looking OR tasting Vegan you could ever imagine. Looks like shrimp, tastes like shrimp, isn't really shrimp. Same with the "chicken" skewers. Awesome.

I trekked on over to The House of Intuition in Silverlake area. What a beautiful and tranquil place. I bought a few crystals: Chrysocolla, Moss Agate, Flourite and Rhodochrosite. After my metaphysical adventure, I was off to Melrose Ave. to visit Crossroads Trading Co. as well as the various stores in the area. The street didn't seem as lively as it once had. Perhaps it was because it was Wednesday, perhaps it is because of this damned economy or perhaps it was because of the glasses I was looking through. It felt very..quiet, calm and yes, a bit lonely.

I'm still struggling very much with my emotions. But the good news is, I am not angry. I'll never let anger take over me again.

Reminders of a distant past seem to be everywhere; and my pain comes and goes in unrelenting waves. I feel as though I wander numbly, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, how long I will feel this way and how low I will go. I wish I knew what to expect next. I am in a beautiful, comfortable space and yet the loneliness and uncertainty is fighting to overshadow all of it.