REMINDERS FOR THE JOURNEY

Marriage issues that lead to divorce 90% of the time

Over a decade and a half ago, researcher and psychologist, John Gottman, conducted some of the best marriage research that has ever been done, and wrote about it in a book titled, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In his book, he identified four elements or dynamics that take place in troubled marriages, and claims that if even one of these is present and not changed, it will predict divorce in 9 out of 10 marriages. Many of the marriages that see me in my counseling office contain not just one of these, but often all four.

The elements, which he terms “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,”a phrase borrowed from the Book of Revelation in the New Testament, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and withdrawal, and I will elaborate briefly on each of these as my “reminder” this week. Virtually all marital partners will practice these destructive elements at least occasionally. They become even more destructive when they are chronic and not identified. Identification is important as we cannot change that which we don't recognize.

If one or both of the partners practice constant criticism, the marriage cannot have intimacy, as the recipient of criticism will not feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, there can be no real emotional connection; hence the marriage will lack closeness and will at best only be a role relationship rather than a personal relationship. Many extramarital affairs take place out of marriages that lack intimacy. We live in a critical culture and often can't even identify that which constitutes criticism. If any of my readers want to know more about this, send me an e-mail and I will send a handout titled “House Rules,” that defines criticism.

Concerning the second element, defensiveness, we can be assured that if criticism exists, defensiveness will also be present. Just because another person is critical, we don't have to be defensive, but almost everyone will be. If we realize that our partner is often defensive, we would do well to examine if our criticism is inviting the defensive response.

If criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal, or stonewalling, are present, the third element will likely develop. It is contempt, or stated succinctly, the partners eventually just don't like each other. How can any relationship endure in a healthy way – or at all – when partners feel disgust or contempt for each other?

As destructive as the above 3 elements are, Gottman considers the most lethal to be withdrawal, or stonewalling, as when this is practiced, there is no chance for the couple to effectively resolve issues between them. Men are more likely to withdraw than are women, probably at a clip of 8 out of 10 times. In defense of stonewallers, though, I understand why this happens, as the withdrawer's experience is that when the couple engages, nothing constructive ever happens, and rather than digging the hole even deeper, he simply refuses to talk about it.

I don't think we are born with the ability to practice marriage well, and most of us are from families in which our parents' marriage was less than stellar. As a result, if we hope to succeed at making our marriages work well, we have to not only love each other, but also learn a few things about “how to do” marriage.

(Doug Smith is a licensed professional counselor in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.)