“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”
Sometimes it's hard to remember gratitude in times of difficulty. In fact, it's hard to even want to feel gratitude, much less care about anything except for the negative subject(s) at hand. I have learned, however, that in these moments of great fear, loss, hurt, anger or whatever it is that we're feeling, gratitude (and humor!) can be that one thing that makes all the difference. The 'spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down', if you will. When we take a moment to realize that the good really does outweigh the bad, we don't feel so lost. Alone. Scared. Helpless or whatever it is that we're up against. The end of a job, a relationship, a "failure". Even these things that seem like a bad thing are what we could feel grateful for because the ending of something isn't nessesarily a bad thing, rather the beginning of something else. Perhaps that something else is just what we've needed, just what we've been waiting for.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Josh Ritter
Last night's Josh Ritter concert at the Granada Theater was just what I needed. I hadn't seen him since I lived in Los Angeles. In fact, I hadn't felt music in a long time the way I feel his. If you have never experienced a Josh Ritter concert, I strongly recommend it. I have been back in Dallas since Septemeber. Within the last 8 months it was: a short stay in New York, a hiatus in Europe for three weeks, back to Texas for my Grandfathers funeral, followed by a job loss, a live-in boyfriend, a new business venture, many hours of working, another project and business venture, etc. Josh brought me back to a moment in my life where everything was a little simpler. Thoughts of L.A. seem to come back often these days. And I look upon it fondly, almost as if that part of my life never really happened. I ask myself often, "did I really wake up every morning with the sun shining on my face, the sounds of birds chirping, a promising day ahead for the beach or even a drive into the mountains?" It was another time and place, a dream. A dream that I was awakened from too soon. I am still pondering Josh's words from last night, "If a dream never happens, does that make it a lie?"
Friday, February 12, 2010
Bigger than my Body..
Last week on separate occasions, I had a very strange awakening while I lay on two different tables. The first one at my doctor's office as I was being examined and the second while I was on the table of my massage therapist. At the doctor's office, I was a specimen and they spoke as if I wasn't even present in the room. It was the oddest feeling to feel as though I was not even there -only in body.
I realized on day two at the massage therapist, that I am a separate entity of my body. In theory, this seems like a no-brainer and quite simple philosophy. But it's one thing to know this and the other to suddenly feel it like a jolt. Here I am on Monday, being reminded of the delicacy of my health and the importance of treating my body well and on Tuesday I was indulging in aromatherapy, massage and pure tranquility of mind, body and spirit. The epiphany occurred mostly while I was in my trance-like state during my massage. I felt like I was this spirit; a ball of light and energy. And in my mind's eye, I could see this ball of light energy in my chest! And in this moment, I realized I am here for just a little while, occupying this "space" that is my body. Our bodies are our spirit's tools to move, breathe, express love, learn, indulge and experience LIFE.
What an amazing feeling that rushed over me in that instant. For a few seconds, I felt who I was in spirit, I couldn't help but smile; and I felt such a rush of warmth and joy whoosh through my body. Truly amazing. Being present has never felt more real.
"We are not human beings here on a spiritual journey, we are spirit beings on a human journey".
I realized on day two at the massage therapist, that I am a separate entity of my body. In theory, this seems like a no-brainer and quite simple philosophy. But it's one thing to know this and the other to suddenly feel it like a jolt. Here I am on Monday, being reminded of the delicacy of my health and the importance of treating my body well and on Tuesday I was indulging in aromatherapy, massage and pure tranquility of mind, body and spirit. The epiphany occurred mostly while I was in my trance-like state during my massage. I felt like I was this spirit; a ball of light and energy. And in my mind's eye, I could see this ball of light energy in my chest! And in this moment, I realized I am here for just a little while, occupying this "space" that is my body. Our bodies are our spirit's tools to move, breathe, express love, learn, indulge and experience LIFE.
What an amazing feeling that rushed over me in that instant. For a few seconds, I felt who I was in spirit, I couldn't help but smile; and I felt such a rush of warmth and joy whoosh through my body. Truly amazing. Being present has never felt more real.
"We are not human beings here on a spiritual journey, we are spirit beings on a human journey".
Friday, February 5, 2010
Which Love Language Do You Speak?
Learning how to express your love is the key to a happy relationship
If you've ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably been let down by a significant other who failed to love you properly—as in the way you needed and expected to be appreciated.
One friend's boyfriend would tell her he loved her more regularly than Google makes a new hire. Yet, on Valentine's Day, he failed to produce a gift. My friend began to sob. Why? "It means he didn't care enough to find one," she bawled. Her conclusion: He must not love her after all.
Maybe your husband does surprise you with just-because gifts, but you'd give anything for him to skip one late night at the office to spend an evening at home.
Behind these crossed wires, says Gary Chapman, PhD, best-selling author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, lies one key miscommunication: We each speak one primary love language, and unless your partner expresses affection in the one that's meaningful to you, he might as well be whispering sweet nothings in Sanskrit.
There are five languages, Chapman says: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. "Most couples don’t speak the same one," he explains, "but feeling loved is the deepest emotional need we have." Watch—and learn from—three couples on the verge of a breakthrough.
Couple #1
Lena, 31, and Ethan, 35
She wants: Quality Time
He gives: Gifts
A few months ago at a party, Ethan overheard his wife, Lena, describe a bracelet she had been fantasizing about for months. When her birthday came, he found it, bought it, and nearly burst with pride as she opened the box. To his surprise, Lena's eyes welled with tears—and not of joy.
What was she thinking? Well, roughly, this: "You idiot! If you really loved me, you'd give me your time, not diamonds." To Lena, each stone represented a night her husband had canceled on her to work late. She would trade each diamond for a minute of his BlackBerry-free attention.
Ethan was baffled—and angered—by her reaction. "I work my butt off so I can afford gifts like this for her," he fumed. "I put thought into them. But apparently that just isn't good enough."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Gifts shouldn’t replace expressing love in Lena's love language, which is quality time. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled, and Lena's is empty.
The couple should put aside 15 minutes each day to connect. Ethan may initially drag his feet for fear "15 minutes" will turn into two hours, but that won't happen once Lena knows that time will be carved out every day.
Couple #2
Mary, 41, and Shawn, 36
She wants: Words of Affirmation
He gives: Acts of Service
"What can I do to help you today?" is the first thing Mary hears her husband say when she wakes each morning. His acts of service include building her a garden—one of her favorite hobbies. "And he's a horrible handyman," she laughs.
But Mary really craves verbal affirmation. "When I'm feeling even the slightest bit taken for granted, I wish he'd say 'I love you.' Just today I said, 'Honey, I need you to tell me I'm beautiful,' so he did. But sometimes he gets annoyed and asks, 'How many times do I have to tell you?'"
"He grew up in a family that doesn't express emotions freely," she says. "It's not surprising that his one attempt at a love letter read like a business plan. It's just not who he is—but I'll never stop hoping that he'll write me a sonnet."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Shawn should start with baby steps to express his love. He can try saying something sweet about her to a friend or coworker, or it could also be helpful to buy a greeting card, underline the words that are particularly appropriate, and then read them to his wife. Ultimately, Shawn should aim to compliment Mary at least once a day for a month to create a lasting pattern.
If you've ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably been let down by a significant other who failed to love you properly—as in the way you needed and expected to be appreciated.
One friend's boyfriend would tell her he loved her more regularly than Google makes a new hire. Yet, on Valentine's Day, he failed to produce a gift. My friend began to sob. Why? "It means he didn't care enough to find one," she bawled. Her conclusion: He must not love her after all.
Maybe your husband does surprise you with just-because gifts, but you'd give anything for him to skip one late night at the office to spend an evening at home.
Behind these crossed wires, says Gary Chapman, PhD, best-selling author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, lies one key miscommunication: We each speak one primary love language, and unless your partner expresses affection in the one that's meaningful to you, he might as well be whispering sweet nothings in Sanskrit.
There are five languages, Chapman says: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. "Most couples don’t speak the same one," he explains, "but feeling loved is the deepest emotional need we have." Watch—and learn from—three couples on the verge of a breakthrough.
Couple #1
Lena, 31, and Ethan, 35
She wants: Quality Time
He gives: Gifts
A few months ago at a party, Ethan overheard his wife, Lena, describe a bracelet she had been fantasizing about for months. When her birthday came, he found it, bought it, and nearly burst with pride as she opened the box. To his surprise, Lena's eyes welled with tears—and not of joy.
What was she thinking? Well, roughly, this: "You idiot! If you really loved me, you'd give me your time, not diamonds." To Lena, each stone represented a night her husband had canceled on her to work late. She would trade each diamond for a minute of his BlackBerry-free attention.
Ethan was baffled—and angered—by her reaction. "I work my butt off so I can afford gifts like this for her," he fumed. "I put thought into them. But apparently that just isn't good enough."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Gifts shouldn’t replace expressing love in Lena's love language, which is quality time. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled, and Lena's is empty.
The couple should put aside 15 minutes each day to connect. Ethan may initially drag his feet for fear "15 minutes" will turn into two hours, but that won't happen once Lena knows that time will be carved out every day.
Couple #2
Mary, 41, and Shawn, 36
She wants: Words of Affirmation
He gives: Acts of Service
"What can I do to help you today?" is the first thing Mary hears her husband say when she wakes each morning. His acts of service include building her a garden—one of her favorite hobbies. "And he's a horrible handyman," she laughs.
But Mary really craves verbal affirmation. "When I'm feeling even the slightest bit taken for granted, I wish he'd say 'I love you.' Just today I said, 'Honey, I need you to tell me I'm beautiful,' so he did. But sometimes he gets annoyed and asks, 'How many times do I have to tell you?'"
"He grew up in a family that doesn't express emotions freely," she says. "It's not surprising that his one attempt at a love letter read like a business plan. It's just not who he is—but I'll never stop hoping that he'll write me a sonnet."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Shawn should start with baby steps to express his love. He can try saying something sweet about her to a friend or coworker, or it could also be helpful to buy a greeting card, underline the words that are particularly appropriate, and then read them to his wife. Ultimately, Shawn should aim to compliment Mary at least once a day for a month to create a lasting pattern.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Male Take: Why Romance Matters
With Valentines Day just around the corner, we all have love and relationships on our minds. I found this article on Tango and I thought it was nicely put. So, I am sharing.
(Source: YourTango.com)
Romance is showing your love in a language the other person understands.
I once heard a story of a young math professor who came home from work and greeted his fiancée with a little blue box from Tiffany. "This is a present for you, honey. But to get it, you have to tell me why I'm giving it to you today instead of any other day." She wracked her brain; it was still over three months till their anniversary and over five months till their marriage. It wasn't her birthday or a holiday or anything else she could come up with, but she knew her betrothed, and she started thinking about how he did things. And then she got it.
"We met each other exactly 1000 days ago."
"Of course we did, darling. And I've loved every last one of them." And he gave her the diamond bracelet.
I love this story; to me, it represents exactly the kind of romance that I believe in: the combination of feeling and showing. If I had to define romance
as anything, I'd call it extra—it's the impulse, spurred on by sentiment, to add a little something, to try a little harder, to do one more thing as a sign of the love you have for the other person. From the kiss he gives you before he leaves the room, to taking his hand on the subway, to learning her shoe size on the sly so you can surprise her with Prada mules, romance is about paying enough attention and knowing the other person well enough that you can send proof of your love in a way that he or she will really understand. Which Love Language Do You Speak?
So much about relationships centers on paying attention and on seeing things from the other's perspective. How many fights would be prevented if, when we felt hurt or slighted by our partner, we reminded ourselves of how much they love us? We'd most likely realize that they probably didn't try to do us damage, and that there must have been a misunderstanding or some moment of weakness. There's an old French expression—"to understand all is to forgive all"—and if we could only see things through our partner's eyes, we'd see how infrequently they'd ever do anything to hurt us, and our anger would be replaced by compassion.
That's what empathy can do. As you begin to see things from the other's vantage point, you can also see what would make them happy, what moves them, how you can show them how much you care in ways that will really register. This is why a lot of people (especially women) correctly think that romance is so important: because it's an outward sign of caring; it’s evidence of real emotional investment.
The problem, though, is often in the expression. Many men think they do a fine job of showing their feelings, but unfortunately they're only expressing them their way, not yours (a new dishwasher for Christmas anyone?). And women have their versions as well; how successful were the rose petals leading to the tub?
It's clear, then, that romance is often about translation—about converting your feelings into signals that will be visible to the other person's eye, not merely to your own. Romantic impulses often fail because they're not adequately translated. If not rewritten to the other's language, both your and his attempts at romance will miss the mark. You think you're telling him and he's not hearing, or you worry he doesn't really love you, but in both cases, it can just be a problem of not understanding the other's language. Most men don't lack for feeling; they just don't realize that it's hard for you to realize how much they care given the often feeble ways they show it (he thought the new dishwasher would save you work!).
In some ways, then, the 1000-day bracelet story is romantic from both sides: he had the feelings and took the time to come up with a gift that definitely translated into her world (the power of those little blue boxes!), but the reason behind the gift was still from his world. She had to understand him well enough to be able to figure it out. Both parties had to see through the other one's eyes.
When my girlfriend gave me a 19th-century, hand-wound clock for our first anniversary, she made it clear that she knew me inside and out. I'm impossible to shop for (so I've been told), but I love fine old objects (she happens to be fine and young, but for her I make an exception), and she knew that it would blend perfectly with all the other objects in the room—it was the perfect gift.
But you know what the most romantic thing she does for me is? She beams me a certain smile that electrifies her eyes with feeling. They sparkle at me, telling me that I'm the most loved and luckiest man in the world. What else could I need when I get a smile like that?
That's all romance is: signs of love in a language we understand. Different things will work for different people, and when you care about someone, you have to pay enough attention to learn to see things their way. Once you can do that, romance is easy.
(Source: YourTango.com)
Romance is showing your love in a language the other person understands.
I once heard a story of a young math professor who came home from work and greeted his fiancée with a little blue box from Tiffany. "This is a present for you, honey. But to get it, you have to tell me why I'm giving it to you today instead of any other day." She wracked her brain; it was still over three months till their anniversary and over five months till their marriage. It wasn't her birthday or a holiday or anything else she could come up with, but she knew her betrothed, and she started thinking about how he did things. And then she got it.
"We met each other exactly 1000 days ago."
"Of course we did, darling. And I've loved every last one of them." And he gave her the diamond bracelet.
I love this story; to me, it represents exactly the kind of romance that I believe in: the combination of feeling and showing. If I had to define romance
as anything, I'd call it extra—it's the impulse, spurred on by sentiment, to add a little something, to try a little harder, to do one more thing as a sign of the love you have for the other person. From the kiss he gives you before he leaves the room, to taking his hand on the subway, to learning her shoe size on the sly so you can surprise her with Prada mules, romance is about paying enough attention and knowing the other person well enough that you can send proof of your love in a way that he or she will really understand. Which Love Language Do You Speak?
So much about relationships centers on paying attention and on seeing things from the other's perspective. How many fights would be prevented if, when we felt hurt or slighted by our partner, we reminded ourselves of how much they love us? We'd most likely realize that they probably didn't try to do us damage, and that there must have been a misunderstanding or some moment of weakness. There's an old French expression—"to understand all is to forgive all"—and if we could only see things through our partner's eyes, we'd see how infrequently they'd ever do anything to hurt us, and our anger would be replaced by compassion.
That's what empathy can do. As you begin to see things from the other's vantage point, you can also see what would make them happy, what moves them, how you can show them how much you care in ways that will really register. This is why a lot of people (especially women) correctly think that romance is so important: because it's an outward sign of caring; it’s evidence of real emotional investment.
The problem, though, is often in the expression. Many men think they do a fine job of showing their feelings, but unfortunately they're only expressing them their way, not yours (a new dishwasher for Christmas anyone?). And women have their versions as well; how successful were the rose petals leading to the tub?
It's clear, then, that romance is often about translation—about converting your feelings into signals that will be visible to the other person's eye, not merely to your own. Romantic impulses often fail because they're not adequately translated. If not rewritten to the other's language, both your and his attempts at romance will miss the mark. You think you're telling him and he's not hearing, or you worry he doesn't really love you, but in both cases, it can just be a problem of not understanding the other's language. Most men don't lack for feeling; they just don't realize that it's hard for you to realize how much they care given the often feeble ways they show it (he thought the new dishwasher would save you work!).
In some ways, then, the 1000-day bracelet story is romantic from both sides: he had the feelings and took the time to come up with a gift that definitely translated into her world (the power of those little blue boxes!), but the reason behind the gift was still from his world. She had to understand him well enough to be able to figure it out. Both parties had to see through the other one's eyes.
When my girlfriend gave me a 19th-century, hand-wound clock for our first anniversary, she made it clear that she knew me inside and out. I'm impossible to shop for (so I've been told), but I love fine old objects (she happens to be fine and young, but for her I make an exception), and she knew that it would blend perfectly with all the other objects in the room—it was the perfect gift.
But you know what the most romantic thing she does for me is? She beams me a certain smile that electrifies her eyes with feeling. They sparkle at me, telling me that I'm the most loved and luckiest man in the world. What else could I need when I get a smile like that?
That's all romance is: signs of love in a language we understand. Different things will work for different people, and when you care about someone, you have to pay enough attention to learn to see things their way. Once you can do that, romance is easy.
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