The arrival of my Quantum Quattro and a few ideas..

My Quantum Quattro arrived yesterday and I couldn't have been more overjoyed. I felt like a child for the last few days, eagerly waiting for the package to arrive. The box, containing five 2" stones originally came from Namibia, Africa, the only place in the world where Quantum Quattro is found. It was first discovered in 1996 and it wasn't discovered by me until about three weeks ago. Since then, I have been obsessing over where and how to get my hands on this rare stone. It's amazing how something like a rock could bring me such excitement and wonderment. But I think about it and realize it isn't so strange after all. My grandfather taught my mom about the awareness of earth's little treasures all around us and she, in turn, taught me. I guess that comes with the territory when you are a simple family without much means. You learn to look at the beauty around you and wait for treasures to be found in the most obscure places. For my mother and I, it was at the beach along the shore or on the ground, looking for rocks that caught our eye. Sometimes they were sparkly, sometimes they were just shaped funny or made of some "mysterious" composite. But regardless, they were our found treasures and we became attached to them, each one with their own story. My sister shares a love for gemstones also. In fact, she found a crystal geode in her back yard last year! Some people reading this may find our fascination with "rocks" bizarre, silly or even frivolous, but I tend the think otherwise. I almost wonder if it's our natural human instinct to look at the earth's natural resources for comfort, connection, usefulness and entertainment. Prehistoric humans used rocks as early as 2,000,000 B.C. Flint and other hard rocks were important raw materials for crafting arrowheads and other tools. By 500,000 B.C., rock caves and structures made from stones had become important forms of shelter for humans. In the metaphysical aspect, crystals are used for balancing chakras and healing. For example, Quantum Quattro is said to be useful for healing the immune system, grief of past trauma and complete alignment of all chakras as well as mental clarity when placed on the third eye. I am not exactly sure of the powerful allure that minerals have. Perhaps our rocks are just a hobby and all of this means nothing or perhaps we just want something tangible to believe in that we can see, study, touch, hold. Or maybe it's just in our DNA to be curious enough about something much older than ourselves. Maybe it's the idea that rocks hold the past of our existence. Within their layers of time, our history is written.

Staying in the feeling of love and wellness

"You must decide to stay in the feeling of love, prosperity, wellness, or whatever you desire, and let that feeling just flow through you. And remember that you get what you think about, whether you want it or not." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

This statement is just what I needed today. Actually, what I’ve needed for much of the last few weeks. I feel like I have lost me, lost my enthusiasm, my undying optimism that makes me feel like I can move mountains. My zest for life has become slightly wilted and I’m left wondering “what’s next”? I find myself searching through Craigslist ads as if the key to my Kingdom exists there. Perhaps in a new job, a new cottage by the beach, Durango. Somewhere, anywhere but here. What am I searching for? Perhaps it’s nothing tangible at all. Maybe just peace of mind. Clarity. My happiness and sensibility.
And then I’m reminded by Dr. Dyer that my thoughts, my life and dissatisfaction are what cause my recent perpetual state of funk. I do not want to give any energy to negative thoughts or feelings but how do I throw away the road blocks? How do I stay in the feeling of love and prosperity if I feel like I’m rowing a boat upstream? I need to be able to accept me, to embrace the fact that I am who I am. I live and breathe for creativity, dreams, goals, philosophy, adventure and spirituality. I cannot surround myself with people who do not share my energy, or at the very least understand it. Sometimes I think I’m too complicated but maybe I am not so hard to understand after all. Or maybe I should just give myself permission to be complicated. Maybe I can only row upstream for so long before realizing that I’m going about it all wrong. Perhaps I am not so weird but the life I am trying to fit in this "box" is ass-backwards.

Finding the answer without moving.

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering. -Saint Augustine

So often we seek the answers to our universe in the ruins of Rome, the pyramids of Egypt, the histories of men from ancient times. But our universe is perceived in us. The response of a negative event in our life propels us to travel, seek answers, find truths. What we often discover is ourselves, through the deep wandering and distant space between where we were and where we end up in our journey, in the world. Our universe exists in us and in the end, only our spiritual journey mattered. How we treated others mattered, what we did for others mattered. No amount of physical journey by land, sea or air will answer the questions locked inside of us. Rather, quiet meditation that involves no movement is where we find our answers.

Abrupt Wake Up Call

I sold my industrial machines last week and the girl who purchased them used my 4-wheel dolly to transport them to her studio about 2 miles away. She told me as she was leaving that she'd return it at the end of the day. No problem. But the day went by and no word from her. Then a week went by and I was unable to get in touch with her. She hadn't yet returned my dolly so I decided to go to her shop and pick it up myself. When I walked in, the studio was cozy, about 1,500 sq. ft. Beautiful fabrics carefully placed in rolls on the walls, three employees, diligently working on rhinestone embellishments. The lovely costumes and works in progress were hanging proudly, and my machines. There they stood in their true glory, threaded with four cones of bright, Dallas Cowboys' blue thread. It was heart breaking to see my dream alive in someone else's life. I got no more than ten steps out of her studio before my eyes filled with tears. I tried to fight it but I knew it was useless. The floodgates needed to be released.

I had worked so hard and even borrowed money from my grandmother to buy these machines. They were the key for my future and so much hope and optimism was attached to them. Watching all of it go has been so heartbreaking. I know it's an attainable goal to reach for again, and perhaps it will be sooner than I think. But as I am proud of her for her success, I can't help but feel the sting of envy and a regret for my own lack of success. She is a lady just like me, who 10 years ago started the SAME way I did and yet, it somehow worked for her but not for me. I am left with so many thoughts of 'what did I do wrong' or 'what could I do differently' and 'why do I allow myself to continue being distracted'? Monday was a slap in the face from the universe. And it's time for me to wake up.

Self-Involvement, by Ani Pema Chodron

We might think that knowing ourselves is a very ego-centered thing, but by beginning to look so clearly and so honestly at ourselves-at our emotions, at our thoughts, at who we really are-we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others. Somehow all of these walls, these ways of feeling separate from everything else and everyone else, are made up of opinions. They are made up of dogma; they are made of prejudice. These walls come from our fear of knowing parts of ourselves.

There is a Tibetan teaching that is often translated as, Self-cherishing is the root of all suffering. It can be hard for a Western person to hear the term "self-cherishing" without misunderstanding what is being said.


Self-cherishing refers to how we try to protect ourselves by fixating; how we put up walls so that we won't have to feel discomfort or lack of resolution. That notion of self-cherishing refers to the erroneous belief that there could be only comfort and no discomfort, or the belief that there could be only happiness and no sadness, or the belief that there could be just good and no bad.

But what the Buddhist teachings point out is that we could take a much bigger perspective, one that is beyond good and evil. Classifications of good and bad come from lack of maitri. We say that something is good if it makes us feel secure and it's bad if it makes us feel insecure. That way we get into hating people who make us feel insecure and hating all kinds of religions or nationalities that make us feel insecure. And we like those who give us ground under our feet.

When we are so involved with trying to protect ourselves, we are unable to see the pain in another person's face. "Self-cherishing" is ego fixating and grasping: it ties our hearts, our shoulders, our head, our stomach, into knots. We can't open. Everything is in a knot. When we begin to open we can see others and we can be there for them. But to the degree that we haven't worked with our own fear, we are going to shut down when others trigger our fear.

So to know yourself is to forget yourself. This is to say that when we make friends with ourselves we no longer have to be so self-involved. It's a curious twist: making friends with ourselves is a way of not being so self-involved anymore. Then Dogen Zen-ji goes on to say, "To forget yourself is to become enlightened by all things".

When we are not so self-involved, we begin to realize that the world is speaking to us all of the time. Every plant, every tree, every animal, every person, every car, every airplane is speaking to us, teaching us, awakening us. It's a wonderful world, but we often miss it. It's as if we see the previews of coming attractions and never get to the main feature.

When we feel resentful or judgmental, it hurts us and it hurts others. But if we look into it we might see that behind the resentment there is fear and behind the fear there is a tremendous softness. There is a very big heart and a huge mind-a very awake, basic state of being. To experience this we begin to make a journey, the journey of unconditional friendliness toward the self that we already are.

(Happy Birthday to Ani Pema Chodron, July 20th)