Last week on separate occasions, I had a very strange awakening while I lay on two different tables. The first one at my doctor's office as I was being examined and the second while I was on the table of my massage therapist. At the doctor's office, I was a specimen and they spoke as if I wasn't even present in the room. It was the oddest feeling to feel as though I was not even there -only in body.
I realized on day two at the massage therapist, that I am a separate entity of my body. In theory, this seems like a no-brainer and quite simple philosophy. But it's one thing to know this and the other to suddenly feel it like a jolt. Here I am on Monday, being reminded of the delicacy of my health and the importance of treating my body well and on Tuesday I was indulging in aromatherapy, massage and pure tranquility of mind, body and spirit. The epiphany occurred mostly while I was in my trance-like state during my massage. I felt like I was this spirit; a ball of light and energy. And in my mind's eye, I could see this ball of light energy in my chest! And in this moment, I realized I am here for just a little while, occupying this "space" that is my body. Our bodies are our spirit's tools to move, breathe, express love, learn, indulge and experience LIFE.
What an amazing feeling that rushed over me in that instant. For a few seconds, I felt who I was in spirit, I couldn't help but smile; and I felt such a rush of warmth and joy whoosh through my body. Truly amazing. Being present has never felt more real.
"We are not human beings here on a spiritual journey, we are spirit beings on a human journey".
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Which Love Language Do You Speak?
Learning how to express your love is the key to a happy relationship
If you've ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably been let down by a significant other who failed to love you properly—as in the way you needed and expected to be appreciated.
One friend's boyfriend would tell her he loved her more regularly than Google makes a new hire. Yet, on Valentine's Day, he failed to produce a gift. My friend began to sob. Why? "It means he didn't care enough to find one," she bawled. Her conclusion: He must not love her after all.
Maybe your husband does surprise you with just-because gifts, but you'd give anything for him to skip one late night at the office to spend an evening at home.
Behind these crossed wires, says Gary Chapman, PhD, best-selling author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, lies one key miscommunication: We each speak one primary love language, and unless your partner expresses affection in the one that's meaningful to you, he might as well be whispering sweet nothings in Sanskrit.
There are five languages, Chapman says: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. "Most couples don’t speak the same one," he explains, "but feeling loved is the deepest emotional need we have." Watch—and learn from—three couples on the verge of a breakthrough.
Couple #1
Lena, 31, and Ethan, 35
She wants: Quality Time
He gives: Gifts
A few months ago at a party, Ethan overheard his wife, Lena, describe a bracelet she had been fantasizing about for months. When her birthday came, he found it, bought it, and nearly burst with pride as she opened the box. To his surprise, Lena's eyes welled with tears—and not of joy.
What was she thinking? Well, roughly, this: "You idiot! If you really loved me, you'd give me your time, not diamonds." To Lena, each stone represented a night her husband had canceled on her to work late. She would trade each diamond for a minute of his BlackBerry-free attention.
Ethan was baffled—and angered—by her reaction. "I work my butt off so I can afford gifts like this for her," he fumed. "I put thought into them. But apparently that just isn't good enough."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Gifts shouldn’t replace expressing love in Lena's love language, which is quality time. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled, and Lena's is empty.
The couple should put aside 15 minutes each day to connect. Ethan may initially drag his feet for fear "15 minutes" will turn into two hours, but that won't happen once Lena knows that time will be carved out every day.
Couple #2
Mary, 41, and Shawn, 36
She wants: Words of Affirmation
He gives: Acts of Service
"What can I do to help you today?" is the first thing Mary hears her husband say when she wakes each morning. His acts of service include building her a garden—one of her favorite hobbies. "And he's a horrible handyman," she laughs.
But Mary really craves verbal affirmation. "When I'm feeling even the slightest bit taken for granted, I wish he'd say 'I love you.' Just today I said, 'Honey, I need you to tell me I'm beautiful,' so he did. But sometimes he gets annoyed and asks, 'How many times do I have to tell you?'"
"He grew up in a family that doesn't express emotions freely," she says. "It's not surprising that his one attempt at a love letter read like a business plan. It's just not who he is—but I'll never stop hoping that he'll write me a sonnet."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Shawn should start with baby steps to express his love. He can try saying something sweet about her to a friend or coworker, or it could also be helpful to buy a greeting card, underline the words that are particularly appropriate, and then read them to his wife. Ultimately, Shawn should aim to compliment Mary at least once a day for a month to create a lasting pattern.
If you've ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably been let down by a significant other who failed to love you properly—as in the way you needed and expected to be appreciated.
One friend's boyfriend would tell her he loved her more regularly than Google makes a new hire. Yet, on Valentine's Day, he failed to produce a gift. My friend began to sob. Why? "It means he didn't care enough to find one," she bawled. Her conclusion: He must not love her after all.
Maybe your husband does surprise you with just-because gifts, but you'd give anything for him to skip one late night at the office to spend an evening at home.
Behind these crossed wires, says Gary Chapman, PhD, best-selling author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, lies one key miscommunication: We each speak one primary love language, and unless your partner expresses affection in the one that's meaningful to you, he might as well be whispering sweet nothings in Sanskrit.
There are five languages, Chapman says: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. "Most couples don’t speak the same one," he explains, "but feeling loved is the deepest emotional need we have." Watch—and learn from—three couples on the verge of a breakthrough.
Couple #1
Lena, 31, and Ethan, 35
She wants: Quality Time
He gives: Gifts
A few months ago at a party, Ethan overheard his wife, Lena, describe a bracelet she had been fantasizing about for months. When her birthday came, he found it, bought it, and nearly burst with pride as she opened the box. To his surprise, Lena's eyes welled with tears—and not of joy.
What was she thinking? Well, roughly, this: "You idiot! If you really loved me, you'd give me your time, not diamonds." To Lena, each stone represented a night her husband had canceled on her to work late. She would trade each diamond for a minute of his BlackBerry-free attention.
Ethan was baffled—and angered—by her reaction. "I work my butt off so I can afford gifts like this for her," he fumed. "I put thought into them. But apparently that just isn't good enough."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Gifts shouldn’t replace expressing love in Lena's love language, which is quality time. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled, and Lena's is empty.
The couple should put aside 15 minutes each day to connect. Ethan may initially drag his feet for fear "15 minutes" will turn into two hours, but that won't happen once Lena knows that time will be carved out every day.
Couple #2
Mary, 41, and Shawn, 36
She wants: Words of Affirmation
He gives: Acts of Service
"What can I do to help you today?" is the first thing Mary hears her husband say when she wakes each morning. His acts of service include building her a garden—one of her favorite hobbies. "And he's a horrible handyman," she laughs.
But Mary really craves verbal affirmation. "When I'm feeling even the slightest bit taken for granted, I wish he'd say 'I love you.' Just today I said, 'Honey, I need you to tell me I'm beautiful,' so he did. But sometimes he gets annoyed and asks, 'How many times do I have to tell you?'"
"He grew up in a family that doesn't express emotions freely," she says. "It's not surprising that his one attempt at a love letter read like a business plan. It's just not who he is—but I'll never stop hoping that he'll write me a sonnet."
Dr. Chapman Says:
Shawn should start with baby steps to express his love. He can try saying something sweet about her to a friend or coworker, or it could also be helpful to buy a greeting card, underline the words that are particularly appropriate, and then read them to his wife. Ultimately, Shawn should aim to compliment Mary at least once a day for a month to create a lasting pattern.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Male Take: Why Romance Matters
With Valentines Day just around the corner, we all have love and relationships on our minds. I found this article on Tango and I thought it was nicely put. So, I am sharing.
(Source: YourTango.com)
Romance is showing your love in a language the other person understands.
I once heard a story of a young math professor who came home from work and greeted his fiancée with a little blue box from Tiffany. "This is a present for you, honey. But to get it, you have to tell me why I'm giving it to you today instead of any other day." She wracked her brain; it was still over three months till their anniversary and over five months till their marriage. It wasn't her birthday or a holiday or anything else she could come up with, but she knew her betrothed, and she started thinking about how he did things. And then she got it.
"We met each other exactly 1000 days ago."
"Of course we did, darling. And I've loved every last one of them." And he gave her the diamond bracelet.
I love this story; to me, it represents exactly the kind of romance that I believe in: the combination of feeling and showing. If I had to define romance
as anything, I'd call it extra—it's the impulse, spurred on by sentiment, to add a little something, to try a little harder, to do one more thing as a sign of the love you have for the other person. From the kiss he gives you before he leaves the room, to taking his hand on the subway, to learning her shoe size on the sly so you can surprise her with Prada mules, romance is about paying enough attention and knowing the other person well enough that you can send proof of your love in a way that he or she will really understand. Which Love Language Do You Speak?
So much about relationships centers on paying attention and on seeing things from the other's perspective. How many fights would be prevented if, when we felt hurt or slighted by our partner, we reminded ourselves of how much they love us? We'd most likely realize that they probably didn't try to do us damage, and that there must have been a misunderstanding or some moment of weakness. There's an old French expression—"to understand all is to forgive all"—and if we could only see things through our partner's eyes, we'd see how infrequently they'd ever do anything to hurt us, and our anger would be replaced by compassion.
That's what empathy can do. As you begin to see things from the other's vantage point, you can also see what would make them happy, what moves them, how you can show them how much you care in ways that will really register. This is why a lot of people (especially women) correctly think that romance is so important: because it's an outward sign of caring; it’s evidence of real emotional investment.
The problem, though, is often in the expression. Many men think they do a fine job of showing their feelings, but unfortunately they're only expressing them their way, not yours (a new dishwasher for Christmas anyone?). And women have their versions as well; how successful were the rose petals leading to the tub?
It's clear, then, that romance is often about translation—about converting your feelings into signals that will be visible to the other person's eye, not merely to your own. Romantic impulses often fail because they're not adequately translated. If not rewritten to the other's language, both your and his attempts at romance will miss the mark. You think you're telling him and he's not hearing, or you worry he doesn't really love you, but in both cases, it can just be a problem of not understanding the other's language. Most men don't lack for feeling; they just don't realize that it's hard for you to realize how much they care given the often feeble ways they show it (he thought the new dishwasher would save you work!).
In some ways, then, the 1000-day bracelet story is romantic from both sides: he had the feelings and took the time to come up with a gift that definitely translated into her world (the power of those little blue boxes!), but the reason behind the gift was still from his world. She had to understand him well enough to be able to figure it out. Both parties had to see through the other one's eyes.
When my girlfriend gave me a 19th-century, hand-wound clock for our first anniversary, she made it clear that she knew me inside and out. I'm impossible to shop for (so I've been told), but I love fine old objects (she happens to be fine and young, but for her I make an exception), and she knew that it would blend perfectly with all the other objects in the room—it was the perfect gift.
But you know what the most romantic thing she does for me is? She beams me a certain smile that electrifies her eyes with feeling. They sparkle at me, telling me that I'm the most loved and luckiest man in the world. What else could I need when I get a smile like that?
That's all romance is: signs of love in a language we understand. Different things will work for different people, and when you care about someone, you have to pay enough attention to learn to see things their way. Once you can do that, romance is easy.
(Source: YourTango.com)
Romance is showing your love in a language the other person understands.
I once heard a story of a young math professor who came home from work and greeted his fiancée with a little blue box from Tiffany. "This is a present for you, honey. But to get it, you have to tell me why I'm giving it to you today instead of any other day." She wracked her brain; it was still over three months till their anniversary and over five months till their marriage. It wasn't her birthday or a holiday or anything else she could come up with, but she knew her betrothed, and she started thinking about how he did things. And then she got it.
"We met each other exactly 1000 days ago."
"Of course we did, darling. And I've loved every last one of them." And he gave her the diamond bracelet.
I love this story; to me, it represents exactly the kind of romance that I believe in: the combination of feeling and showing. If I had to define romance
as anything, I'd call it extra—it's the impulse, spurred on by sentiment, to add a little something, to try a little harder, to do one more thing as a sign of the love you have for the other person. From the kiss he gives you before he leaves the room, to taking his hand on the subway, to learning her shoe size on the sly so you can surprise her with Prada mules, romance is about paying enough attention and knowing the other person well enough that you can send proof of your love in a way that he or she will really understand. Which Love Language Do You Speak?
So much about relationships centers on paying attention and on seeing things from the other's perspective. How many fights would be prevented if, when we felt hurt or slighted by our partner, we reminded ourselves of how much they love us? We'd most likely realize that they probably didn't try to do us damage, and that there must have been a misunderstanding or some moment of weakness. There's an old French expression—"to understand all is to forgive all"—and if we could only see things through our partner's eyes, we'd see how infrequently they'd ever do anything to hurt us, and our anger would be replaced by compassion.
That's what empathy can do. As you begin to see things from the other's vantage point, you can also see what would make them happy, what moves them, how you can show them how much you care in ways that will really register. This is why a lot of people (especially women) correctly think that romance is so important: because it's an outward sign of caring; it’s evidence of real emotional investment.
The problem, though, is often in the expression. Many men think they do a fine job of showing their feelings, but unfortunately they're only expressing them their way, not yours (a new dishwasher for Christmas anyone?). And women have their versions as well; how successful were the rose petals leading to the tub?
It's clear, then, that romance is often about translation—about converting your feelings into signals that will be visible to the other person's eye, not merely to your own. Romantic impulses often fail because they're not adequately translated. If not rewritten to the other's language, both your and his attempts at romance will miss the mark. You think you're telling him and he's not hearing, or you worry he doesn't really love you, but in both cases, it can just be a problem of not understanding the other's language. Most men don't lack for feeling; they just don't realize that it's hard for you to realize how much they care given the often feeble ways they show it (he thought the new dishwasher would save you work!).
In some ways, then, the 1000-day bracelet story is romantic from both sides: he had the feelings and took the time to come up with a gift that definitely translated into her world (the power of those little blue boxes!), but the reason behind the gift was still from his world. She had to understand him well enough to be able to figure it out. Both parties had to see through the other one's eyes.
When my girlfriend gave me a 19th-century, hand-wound clock for our first anniversary, she made it clear that she knew me inside and out. I'm impossible to shop for (so I've been told), but I love fine old objects (she happens to be fine and young, but for her I make an exception), and she knew that it would blend perfectly with all the other objects in the room—it was the perfect gift.
But you know what the most romantic thing she does for me is? She beams me a certain smile that electrifies her eyes with feeling. They sparkle at me, telling me that I'm the most loved and luckiest man in the world. What else could I need when I get a smile like that?
That's all romance is: signs of love in a language we understand. Different things will work for different people, and when you care about someone, you have to pay enough attention to learn to see things their way. Once you can do that, romance is easy.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
To Facebook or Not to Facebook?
And so, it’s been nearly three months since I’ve written anything. Not a drop of a sentence, a prose, not even a haiku. This is a new world record, perhaps. I was working on a book since before I left for New York and it has been at a standstill for three months as well. With a new houseguest, quitting Prospect and the development of a brand new line, I got lost somewhere in all of the commotion. Or maybe I have lacked inspiration. Today as I sit staring blankly at the nearby construction of god only knows what, I realize I miss writing. It’s time I blew the dust off my writing shoes and exercise a little creativity.
My latest thoughts have been towards relationships, the web, social networking and how all of these tie in together. To Facebook or not to Facebook? That has been my question for a few weeks now. Social networking has officially become an extension of our everyday lives. We add people we know, we add people we’d like to get to know better. Hell, sometimes, we add complete strangers (I don’t, personally, but I know a lot of people who do). So where does the social networking of LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter fit into the overall grand scheme of our personal lives? How much do we share and what does the content of what we share say about us? Just like our circle of friends in our daily offline lives, we communicate easily and openly. We don’t have to communicate our thoughts or moods with status updates or mention that we “are in a relationship with…” Secondly, how do our offline friendships compare to our online social “friendships”. Aren’t they (mostly) the same? Is it possible to share a bed with someone and not share a social networking site with them ? Does “John Doe would like to be added to your Friends” mean the same as “John Doe would like to be your friend” in real life?
Where does real life end and “social networking” begin?
For example, I know men who are in relationships, who even live with their significant other but feel uncomfortable adding them as a friend on their Facebook accounts. With social networking having evolved into the new social communication bridge of our lives, what part of your life would be of particular interest to protect by NOT adding someone that already exists in your personal life?
At one time we could all look at MySpace as “just a silly MySpace page”. But now, our lives have become integrated. Our feelings are hurt if we aren’t added, or if we are deleted. Our actions online are just as much paid attention to as our actions in our day-to-day lives offline. Our social circles at Sushi night are the same as our social circles on Facebook. We are connected and the web is an extension of ourselves, our interests, our families, our friends, our careers, our agendas, our relationships. To separate the two at this point in the game would almost be unnatural.
The way I see it, we have all evolved socially as a result of the internet. We have become an open book and it is up to us to determine how much of ourselves we care to broadcast to the world. Unfortunately, you can’t always set the limitations on this (i.e. bloggers, photo and notes tagging, unknown changes in privacy settings, stealing of photos, etc.)
There are no more hiding places on the web, unless we just choose not to participate. Privacy? What privacy? Privacy is a thing of the past. Privacy is pulling the curtains shut on your window, that’s it. Nowadays, it isn’t so much a matter of privacy as it is accountability. In other words, don’t do it if you don’t want everyone to find out about it. Personally, I find a lot of this refreshing. I feel as though it’s a more honest approach to internet communication. Socially, we are no longer hiding behind an avatar in a chat room, being anyone we desire. Now, we have linked email addresses that make it easy for us to be found and for others to vouch for us. I guess if you have hang-ups about sharing your personal life, stay away from social networking sites altogether.
My latest thoughts have been towards relationships, the web, social networking and how all of these tie in together. To Facebook or not to Facebook? That has been my question for a few weeks now. Social networking has officially become an extension of our everyday lives. We add people we know, we add people we’d like to get to know better. Hell, sometimes, we add complete strangers (I don’t, personally, but I know a lot of people who do). So where does the social networking of LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter fit into the overall grand scheme of our personal lives? How much do we share and what does the content of what we share say about us? Just like our circle of friends in our daily offline lives, we communicate easily and openly. We don’t have to communicate our thoughts or moods with status updates or mention that we “are in a relationship with…” Secondly, how do our offline friendships compare to our online social “friendships”. Aren’t they (mostly) the same? Is it possible to share a bed with someone and not share a social networking site with them ? Does “John Doe would like to be added to your Friends” mean the same as “John Doe would like to be your friend” in real life?
Where does real life end and “social networking” begin?
For example, I know men who are in relationships, who even live with their significant other but feel uncomfortable adding them as a friend on their Facebook accounts. With social networking having evolved into the new social communication bridge of our lives, what part of your life would be of particular interest to protect by NOT adding someone that already exists in your personal life?
At one time we could all look at MySpace as “just a silly MySpace page”. But now, our lives have become integrated. Our feelings are hurt if we aren’t added, or if we are deleted. Our actions online are just as much paid attention to as our actions in our day-to-day lives offline. Our social circles at Sushi night are the same as our social circles on Facebook. We are connected and the web is an extension of ourselves, our interests, our families, our friends, our careers, our agendas, our relationships. To separate the two at this point in the game would almost be unnatural.
The way I see it, we have all evolved socially as a result of the internet. We have become an open book and it is up to us to determine how much of ourselves we care to broadcast to the world. Unfortunately, you can’t always set the limitations on this (i.e. bloggers, photo and notes tagging, unknown changes in privacy settings, stealing of photos, etc.)
There are no more hiding places on the web, unless we just choose not to participate. Privacy? What privacy? Privacy is a thing of the past. Privacy is pulling the curtains shut on your window, that’s it. Nowadays, it isn’t so much a matter of privacy as it is accountability. In other words, don’t do it if you don’t want everyone to find out about it. Personally, I find a lot of this refreshing. I feel as though it’s a more honest approach to internet communication. Socially, we are no longer hiding behind an avatar in a chat room, being anyone we desire. Now, we have linked email addresses that make it easy for us to be found and for others to vouch for us. I guess if you have hang-ups about sharing your personal life, stay away from social networking sites altogether.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
This is what I needed
"Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “This is what I need.” It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege!! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow. Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures, followed by wreckage, were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes." -Joseph Campbell
It is the middle of October, 2009. I arrived in Dallas on July 22, 2008. Now sitting here on the brink of what could be my second autumn in Texas, I reflect deeply on the last year and three months of my life. I realize this has been perhaps the strangest year of my life. It was filled with every possible emotion that could be felt. The cycle that first began with anger and intense sadness waned and, over time, gave way to incredible growth, personal reflection, happiness, leaps of faith, contentment, adventure, love, joy and awareness. Through that storm I weathered, I have come back stronger with an even better sense of self than I ever thought I could have. I did not run and hide away from the pain; I faced it and chose to search through all of it as if it were rubble lying before me. A year and three months later after the clean-up, I see things clearer and my inner voice is louder than it’s ever been. I have learned better who I am; I have learned to be still, wait for the moment and when it’s right, I will know. I’ve learned that I am on my right path when everything falls into place in perfect harmony. I have learned that the people closest to me and valuable relationships are the most important assets of my life.
It’s true, even amidst the deaths of a best friend, my aunt and then my grandfather in such a short time, my last year feels more like 3 years. The growth and evolution of my soul feels like it has been subjected to intense hydroponics and here I am, forced to take in all of life’s nutrients and grow towards the light.
This year has been truly incredible.
I have loved stronger than I ever have before. I have let go more than I ever thought I could. I have traveled more and farther than I thought I would. I have stood inside enormous cathedrals and meditated on life, rituals and humanity. I visited places in honor of my loved ones who were not present in this life to see it with their own eyes. I challenged myself more. And I have smiled more than I thought I ever could. I learned contentment, acceptance and found the beauty in my surroundings rather than focus on the negative. I realized my only agenda in life is to love, share, follow my bliss, create passionately and continue seeking whatever gives me peace and happiness.
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”
It is the middle of October, 2009. I arrived in Dallas on July 22, 2008. Now sitting here on the brink of what could be my second autumn in Texas, I reflect deeply on the last year and three months of my life. I realize this has been perhaps the strangest year of my life. It was filled with every possible emotion that could be felt. The cycle that first began with anger and intense sadness waned and, over time, gave way to incredible growth, personal reflection, happiness, leaps of faith, contentment, adventure, love, joy and awareness. Through that storm I weathered, I have come back stronger with an even better sense of self than I ever thought I could have. I did not run and hide away from the pain; I faced it and chose to search through all of it as if it were rubble lying before me. A year and three months later after the clean-up, I see things clearer and my inner voice is louder than it’s ever been. I have learned better who I am; I have learned to be still, wait for the moment and when it’s right, I will know. I’ve learned that I am on my right path when everything falls into place in perfect harmony. I have learned that the people closest to me and valuable relationships are the most important assets of my life.
It’s true, even amidst the deaths of a best friend, my aunt and then my grandfather in such a short time, my last year feels more like 3 years. The growth and evolution of my soul feels like it has been subjected to intense hydroponics and here I am, forced to take in all of life’s nutrients and grow towards the light.
This year has been truly incredible.
I have loved stronger than I ever have before. I have let go more than I ever thought I could. I have traveled more and farther than I thought I would. I have stood inside enormous cathedrals and meditated on life, rituals and humanity. I visited places in honor of my loved ones who were not present in this life to see it with their own eyes. I challenged myself more. And I have smiled more than I thought I ever could. I learned contentment, acceptance and found the beauty in my surroundings rather than focus on the negative. I realized my only agenda in life is to love, share, follow my bliss, create passionately and continue seeking whatever gives me peace and happiness.
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”
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