New Year, new.. me?

I am finally back in Denver. I feel like I have been traveling for months, really. I am here, I am there. Sometimes I feel like I'm nowhere. Being all over the map has been by my design, perhaps. I guess I felt that as long as I was always moving, coming, going, away, busy, I would have less time inside my head.  LA was mostly a great escape for me. It usually is, but this time it felt a little less liberating than it has in the past. Maybe because no matter where we go, we can't silence the thoughts that don't want to be silenced. No matter what we do to distract, the natural human desire inside of us wants to heal.

I am in a weird place in my life.  Not entirely powerless, but not exactly empowered. I'm not even sure how to describe it.  I'm glad the year is over and a new year is here. I don't know what that means, really. Maybe I just like the symbolism that a new year means there's a fresh beginning.  Everyone gets a chance to reinvent themselves, make changes, discard.  New Year to me means a renewed sense of self and clarity for all of the things I want (or don't want).

I have had an incredible year. I don't want to say it was all negative because I believe there is so much power and growth in adversity.  So with that perspective, I am thankful. More than anything, I want to feel OK, trust myself a lot more than I ever have before and let go of everything I have been so attached to.

New Years Day was an adventure over icy roads with no detour and no shoulder to pull off on for about 100 miles or more.  I thought I had planned my route out and everything was safe, right? In the moments where we really don't know if we're going to make it out of a scary situation unscathed or not, we have to just let go and trust.  And we can't always plan ahead for the unexpected.  During the drive when I was sliding all over the roads and a clear blacktop wasn't in sight anywhere, I had to just keep moving forward, I had to surrender, trust myself, trust my abilities, trust the drivers of the 18-wheelers on the road, and trust that soon enough, that road was going to clear and everything would be fine. And it did. What an amazing metaphor for life and what an incredible lesson that was for me on my first day of the new year!