Maybe We Are Just Sea Monkeys

I have this theory that humans are just a huge science experiment. Perhaps a science experiment gone wrong? The more and more I look around us, the more it just feels like we belong to some higher alien life form and we are the sea monkeys in a jar floating around, pooping in the tank and destroying the ecosystem. I mean, we own ant farms for fun and what do they know of us or their surroundings? They have no idea they are in a plastic cube on display for our enjoyment; In their world, it's just business as usual. And at any given moment we can decide they suck and the fate of their lives are quickly rinsed down a toilet bowl. 

Save the Earth, Don’t Fart.

According to the Environmental Protection Agency, 60% of the leading causes of global warming and greenhouse gasses are the result of enteric fermentation, what I like to refer to as ‘agricultural farts’. Most recently, the EPA sent an Advanced Notice of Proposed Rulemaking announcement of it’s intent to tax farmers for their cows’ emissions.

Let’s break it down:

An operation with more than 25 dairy cows, 50 beef cattle or 200 hogs emits more than 100 tons of carbon dioxide; Methane gases from cows and hogs oxidize into carbon dioxide therefore producing a potent greenhouse gas. Methane (CH4) is a greenhouse gas emitted from a variety of both human-related (anthropogenic) and natural sources. It remains in the atmosphere for approximately 9-15 years and is over 20 times more effective in trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide (CO2) over a 100-year period. Human-related activities include fossil fuel production, animal husbandry (enteric fermentation in livestock and manure management), rice cultivation, biomass burning and waste management.

Backing up the EPA on this proposed ruling is PETA, the non-profit organization of People for Ethical Treatment of Animals. I love PETA. I love animals and I believe in what this organization does. PETA spokesman, Matt Prescott, made recent statements on The Glenn Beck Show stating, “If humans all became vegans, we would quickly and greatly reduce the greenhouse gases that contribute to global warming. The UN Report has found that the meat industry produces more global warming emissions than all of the world’s transportation combined.” Additionally, he adds: “Just switching to a hybrid car is not even as effective as switching to a vegetarian diet”. All of this information hit me square between the eyes.
“Is it really that easy?” I asked myself.

Al Gore is not vegan or even a vegetarian. Isn’t it only natural for someone who endorses the fight against global warming to not contribute to the very thing that may be causing the problem? Maybe PETA is getting a little rambunctious on this particular issue. It is just as much their choice to be vegan or vegetarian as it is another's choice not to be. I spent the better part of a decade being nearly vegetarian until my body protested, “Hey! I need some more protein here, I’m getting anemic!”

I do not agree with or condone factory farming, I personally feel we should all be growing our own foods and farming our own meat but that’s not only for another article, it’s just never going to happen. On a side note, if we all become vegetarian, how will that eventually effect our emissions? According to Dr. James L. A. Roth, the author of “Gastrointestinal Gas”, two-thirds of adults pass gas that contain no Methane. But what about the other 1/3 that does? And, in “Facts on Farts” by Brenna Lorenz, human emissions are comprised mostly of Carbon Dioxide. Now if cow farts oxidize into Carbon Dioxide and we already emit Carbon Dioxide, then are we not contributing to global warming ourselves?

In 2001-2002, there were an estimated 2.5 Billion cows and pigs on the earth. Are there not more humans on this earth than cows and pigs? As of March 2009, the world's population is estimated to be about 6.80 billion. If the average human emits ½ liter of farts per day, that is a total of 335 lbs of gas per year, multiply that number by 6.8 billion and we humans are probably pumping out enough gas per year to fuel New York City and Las Vegas.

In another study, the leading cause of sphincter emissions are caused by the swallowing of air and vegetables such as cauliflower, corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer and raisins. That looks like a vegetarian-based diet, doesn’t it? Now if we switch our daily diet to vegetarian, yes, we are knocking out the demand of meat from the farmers, which decreases the number of cows and pigs, which in turn, decreases the amount of enteric fermentation, which of course, decreases our greenhouse gases, thus decreasing global warming. But will we be making a difference in our atmosphere based on our diet change? So what is the solution? Hold it in and combust, or let it out and destroy the ozone? A reader states: “Invent Fart Farms that bean eaters can feed their methane through tubes to compression tanks. These tanks of methane can be sold on the market to fuel automobiles. Anyone who complies can be rewarded with Fart Credits”.

Perhaps the answer is moderation and the use of Beano.
Or perhaps, the answer is staring us in the face when we look in the mirror. People need to stop pointing the finger and picking global warming apart. The number one cause of the emissions is still landfills. Caused by whom? Us.

FEAR=False Evidence Appearing Real

I hate fear. I wish I could just banish it from my life altogether. When we think about all of the wonderful and adventurous things that we'd do with ourselves if we weren't afraid, we'd have a mountain of goals and tasks to last us a lifetime. Afraid to move, afraid to be alone, afraid to take the risk, start a new business, quit a job, move to Paris, talk to someone we find attractive.

It's all ridiculous when we realize that fear is only an afterthought; residue from a moment in our past that we are still dragging with us. Or perhaps someone else's residue that was given to us based on their own experiences or insecurities. Fears are our disembodied inadequacies that we've somehow allowed to seep into our soul. Irrational FEAR is not something that even exists. And 95% of the time, the things we fear never even happen. Fear of failure. So what? You may or may not fail but at least you try. And if you don't fail, the rewards are so surmountable that the fear you once had is so insignificant to the overall picture.


I realize that I need to make changes. Serious changes. Not just talk about it, or write about it but DO it. I need to find my bliss and not worry with the residue of fears (old or new). I need to live as though fear is nonexistent; something which isn't a part of me that I observe from the outside. I think once we take the connection out of our ownership to a fear, we are separate from it and can rationalize on level that doesn't make us feel the need to succumb to it.

The Obaminator!

It was recently noted in the press that Michelle Obama was not happy with TyGirlz and Ty Corporation for naming their latest dolls "Sweet Sasha" and "Marvelous Malia". The company stated the dolls' names (and likeness) were merely coincidental and that "they just liked the names". (yeah right) It is not known what will transpire from here. Ty Corporation may have to pull all of their Malia and Sasha dolls, or doll up some major coin to the Obama's for the use of the girls' names. Now, if Michelle disapproved of that, wait untill she gets a load of this!
Now we can all own a little Obama to carry in our pocket! Introducing The Obama Action Figure. No doubt, this man has truly made his mark on not only our country but the entire world. Is this not the first time in history that a US President had an action figure created after him? Lovingly crafted and brought to us by DiD (Dragon in Dream) Corporation based in Hong Kong, the Obama action figure comes with interchangeable hands in which to grip his samurai swords, gun, light saber, microphone or whatever else will fit into his grips. Heck, he even comes with a wooden stool (pair that up with a microphone and he's ready for center stage at The Laugh Factory!) The company also produces figures from Lord of The Rings, Action Man, Tiger Woods and Adolf Hitler (oddly enough, they do not advertise or sell the Hitler doll on their website).
For more information and to order your own personal Obama, go to DiD Online: http://onlinedid.com/products/obama_action_figure/

The Age of the Fashion Slump

Today I decided it was time to reward myself with some retail therapy. The mission: To buy only tops and dress shirts. I hadn’t purchased any real shirts for myself in a long time and my wardrobe was beginning to look very lopsided with$7 tees and $250 jeans. I realized that I neither had anything dressy or even dress casual for the upper portion of my body. But an even bigger realization occurred to me as I was cheerfully shopping the outlet mall, hoping to nab some amazing after Christmas deals. I realized I am in a fashion slump. This slump has put me in a quagmire of discovering what my age-appropriate clothing is and my desire to hang on to the frocks of my youth. I am stuck somewhere on the outskirts of Juniors and kicking and rebelling against the fringes of Missy. Could I be in the category of Women’s Contemporary now?? It reminded me of the Judy Garland song “In Between” where she sings mournfully of how she’s a circle in a square and doesn’t fit in anywhere.

My first stop was Abercrombie, where I have shopped for the last 10 years of my life. For so long, I loved the simple styles, bright colors and good fits that Abercrombie offered. It was always a brand that was a sure thing but today it all looked different. The funny thing was, the silhouettes and colors were all the same from 6 years ago. It had not changed at all, but I had. The once cute baby doll tops were now as desirable as wearing a moo-moo and the lace-trimmed tank tops were like a bad cliché. Disappointed, I left with only a pair of brown, straight-leg chinos and a yellow and white striped hoodie.

I thought that since my luck had not been so good at Abercrombie, maybe I’d try Gap. I walked ¼ of the way inside, took a few glances at the tops with the giant GAP logo on it and quickly made a u-turn back out into the mall. I’ll be damned if I’m going to advertise to the world that I’m wearing a Gap sweater! J. Crew caught my eye and I pleasantly embraced the casual comfort finds that could await me there. It was a mess of leftover size 14s and corduroy pants in every color of the rainbow. Again, I left disappointed with one black button down dress shirt and two basic tanks tops. I passed by Ann Taylor and looked through the window hoping something would catch my eye but quickly recoiled when I realized I had even considered Ann Taylor at all. Oh my god, I must be desperate! The 'G by Guess' store was much too clubby/Bebe/Baby Phat. I quickly figured out that I wouldn’t be able to make anything work for me in there. Plus, I hadn’t owned anything by Guess? since 1989. Even Saks 5th Ave. Outlet proved to be a dismal adventure. There was nothing but the same old regurgitated Ed Hardy tops that I had seen in Los Angeles three years prior. This is what the people here in Texas get after the rest of the country is done with a trend: sloppy seconds.


I wondered if I was just shopping in all the wrong places or if I was in a fashion rut. It’s true, I was very uninspired by the leftover pieces that never made the cut the first time around and barely made the cut at the outlet mall. So I took it easy on myself and realized that it wasn’t entirely my fault. Perhaps outlet mall shopping in Texas after Christmas just wasn’t a good idea.


That evening I went home and logged onto Abercrombie.com for validation that I was still age-appropriate for some of their pieces. Much to my content, I found a few classic styled sweaters and two blouses that were very nice. Although, the selection was much less than what I would have purchased just a few years ago. I was disappointed to see the $70 and $80 price tags on their blouses, too. There was no way I was going to spend $80 on a short sleeved cotton blouse from Abercrombie. Perhaps they have me all figured out. They know the Abercrombie girl grows up to be the Abercrombie woman. Or perhaps the natural process of weeding the women from the junior’s section is taking place. Either way, I don’t think I will be missing much. And in the meantime, I am searching for my next favorite brand in which to bestow my loyalties for the next decade.