Self-Involvement, by Ani Pema Chodron

We might think that knowing ourselves is a very ego-centered thing, but by beginning to look so clearly and so honestly at ourselves-at our emotions, at our thoughts, at who we really are-we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others. Somehow all of these walls, these ways of feeling separate from everything else and everyone else, are made up of opinions. They are made up of dogma; they are made of prejudice. These walls come from our fear of knowing parts of ourselves.

There is a Tibetan teaching that is often translated as, Self-cherishing is the root of all suffering. It can be hard for a Western person to hear the term "self-cherishing" without misunderstanding what is being said.


Self-cherishing refers to how we try to protect ourselves by fixating; how we put up walls so that we won't have to feel discomfort or lack of resolution. That notion of self-cherishing refers to the erroneous belief that there could be only comfort and no discomfort, or the belief that there could be only happiness and no sadness, or the belief that there could be just good and no bad.

But what the Buddhist teachings point out is that we could take a much bigger perspective, one that is beyond good and evil. Classifications of good and bad come from lack of maitri. We say that something is good if it makes us feel secure and it's bad if it makes us feel insecure. That way we get into hating people who make us feel insecure and hating all kinds of religions or nationalities that make us feel insecure. And we like those who give us ground under our feet.

When we are so involved with trying to protect ourselves, we are unable to see the pain in another person's face. "Self-cherishing" is ego fixating and grasping: it ties our hearts, our shoulders, our head, our stomach, into knots. We can't open. Everything is in a knot. When we begin to open we can see others and we can be there for them. But to the degree that we haven't worked with our own fear, we are going to shut down when others trigger our fear.

So to know yourself is to forget yourself. This is to say that when we make friends with ourselves we no longer have to be so self-involved. It's a curious twist: making friends with ourselves is a way of not being so self-involved anymore. Then Dogen Zen-ji goes on to say, "To forget yourself is to become enlightened by all things".

When we are not so self-involved, we begin to realize that the world is speaking to us all of the time. Every plant, every tree, every animal, every person, every car, every airplane is speaking to us, teaching us, awakening us. It's a wonderful world, but we often miss it. It's as if we see the previews of coming attractions and never get to the main feature.

When we feel resentful or judgmental, it hurts us and it hurts others. But if we look into it we might see that behind the resentment there is fear and behind the fear there is a tremendous softness. There is a very big heart and a huge mind-a very awake, basic state of being. To experience this we begin to make a journey, the journey of unconditional friendliness toward the self that we already are.

(Happy Birthday to Ani Pema Chodron, July 20th)

Just Let Go

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

Today I am reminded of the advice of Joseph Campbell. Going through the emotional divorce of letting go of an idea, a dream, an unattainable goal, a former life that no longer fits is never an easy process. We struggle to maintain the slipping grasp on the idea with everything we have, sometimes just for principal's sake. In the midst of the fight to keep something alive, we forget about the purity that it was in the first place. In the middle of it all, we somehow lost our way and the gift, the goal, the bright idea became a burden, tainted and transformed into something completely different than what we had intended or expected. When something evolves like this, it is important for us to see it for what it is and not for what we had originally hoped for. Not for the potential it could be. Sometimes we don't realize that the very hand we're holding onto is actually holding us hostage. And all we have to do is just let go.

This can be true for so many aspects of our life, whether it be a career, a project or even an unhealthy relationship.

Ready for change.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Today I had a revelation: All of these years, I've spent chasing a dream that I expect to either make me rich, make me feel accomplished, make me feel fulfilled -has been nothing short of a dog chasing it's own tail. In the end, we arrive to what matters the most: Our relationships, our peace, our joy, the quiet evening of simplicity where there is no stress that follows us home like a trail of toilet paper from a bathroom stall. That has been my life for the last 5 years. Today I cut the invisible cord that has held me to all of the expectations that I thought were important to my being. I have realized in a short, though very stressful 8 months, that the important things in life are love, sharing, good wine and food, sunsets, a great movie that resonates with me, laughter, hugs, an evening in a park with Whataburger, a symphony under the stars. The essence of life and LIVING is not about acquiring a lot of money -only having enough to sustain and make this journey more fun. I am no longer interested in allowing a career to rule my life but rather, doing what I love to do, ONLY what I CAN do and being OK with that. I am who I am regardless of the balance of my bank account, regardless of what I'm doing for a living.

I love the person I have become in life. I love the adversity that I have overcome. I love where my life is headed and although I am not even sure where the next few months will take me, I am ready and open for just whatever. It feels nice to be ready for change.

Gratitude is that spoonful of sugar

“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”

Sometimes it's hard to remember gratitude in times of difficulty. In fact, it's hard to even want to feel gratitude, much less care about anything except for the negative subject(s) at hand. I have learned, however, that in these moments of great fear, loss, hurt, anger or whatever it is that we're feeling, gratitude (and humor!) can be that one thing that makes all the difference. The 'spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down', if you will. When we take a moment to realize that the good really does outweigh the bad, we don't feel so lost. Alone. Scared. Helpless or whatever it is that we're up against. The end of a job, a relationship, a "failure". Even these things that seem like a bad thing are what we could feel grateful for because the ending of something isn't nessesarily a bad thing, rather the beginning of something else. Perhaps that something else is just what we've needed, just what we've been waiting for.

Josh Ritter

Last night's Josh Ritter concert at the Granada Theater was just what I needed. I hadn't seen him since I lived in Los Angeles. In fact, I hadn't felt music in a long time the way I feel his. If you have never experienced a Josh Ritter concert, I strongly recommend it. I have been back in Dallas since Septemeber. Within the last 8 months it was: a short stay in New York, a hiatus in Europe for three weeks, back to Texas for my Grandfathers funeral, followed by a job loss, a live-in boyfriend, a new business venture, many hours of working, another project and business venture, etc. Josh brought me back to a moment in my life where everything was a little simpler. Thoughts of L.A. seem to come back often these days. And I look upon it fondly, almost as if that part of my life never really happened. I ask myself often, "did I really wake up every morning with the sun shining on my face, the sounds of birds chirping, a promising day ahead for the beach or even a drive into the mountains?" It was another time and place, a dream. A dream that I was awakened from too soon. I am still pondering Josh's words from last night, "If a dream never happens, does that make it a lie?"