I sold my industrial machines last week and the girl who purchased them used my 4-wheel dolly to transport them to her studio about 2 miles away. She told me as she was leaving that she'd return it at the end of the day. No problem. But the day went by and no word from her. Then a week went by and I was unable to get in touch with her. She hadn't yet returned my dolly so I decided to go to her shop and pick it up myself. When I walked in, the studio was cozy, about 1,500 sq. ft. Beautiful fabrics carefully placed in rolls on the walls, three employees, diligently working on rhinestone embellishments. The lovely costumes and works in progress were hanging proudly, and my machines. There they stood in their true glory, threaded with four cones of bright, Dallas Cowboys' blue thread. It was heart breaking to see my dream alive in someone else's life. I got no more than ten steps out of her studio before my eyes filled with tears. I tried to fight it but I knew it was useless. The floodgates needed to be released.
I had worked so hard and even borrowed money from my grandmother to buy these machines. They were the key for my future and so much hope and optimism was attached to them. Watching all of it go has been so heartbreaking. I know it's an attainable goal to reach for again, and perhaps it will be sooner than I think. But as I am proud of her for her success, I can't help but feel the sting of envy and a regret for my own lack of success. She is a lady just like me, who 10 years ago started the SAME way I did and yet, it somehow worked for her but not for me. I am left with so many thoughts of 'what did I do wrong' or 'what could I do differently' and 'why do I allow myself to continue being distracted'? Monday was a slap in the face from the universe. And it's time for me to wake up.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Self-Involvement, by Ani Pema Chodron
We might think that knowing ourselves is a very ego-centered thing, but by beginning to look so clearly and so honestly at ourselves-at our emotions, at our thoughts, at who we really are-we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others. Somehow all of these walls, these ways of feeling separate from everything else and everyone else, are made up of opinions. They are made up of dogma; they are made of prejudice. These walls come from our fear of knowing parts of ourselves.
There is a Tibetan teaching that is often translated as, Self-cherishing is the root of all suffering. It can be hard for a Western person to hear the term "self-cherishing" without misunderstanding what is being said.
Self-cherishing refers to how we try to protect ourselves by fixating; how we put up walls so that we won't have to feel discomfort or lack of resolution. That notion of self-cherishing refers to the erroneous belief that there could be only comfort and no discomfort, or the belief that there could be only happiness and no sadness, or the belief that there could be just good and no bad.
But what the Buddhist teachings point out is that we could take a much bigger perspective, one that is beyond good and evil. Classifications of good and bad come from lack of maitri. We say that something is good if it makes us feel secure and it's bad if it makes us feel insecure. That way we get into hating people who make us feel insecure and hating all kinds of religions or nationalities that make us feel insecure. And we like those who give us ground under our feet.
When we are so involved with trying to protect ourselves, we are unable to see the pain in another person's face. "Self-cherishing" is ego fixating and grasping: it ties our hearts, our shoulders, our head, our stomach, into knots. We can't open. Everything is in a knot. When we begin to open we can see others and we can be there for them. But to the degree that we haven't worked with our own fear, we are going to shut down when others trigger our fear.
So to know yourself is to forget yourself. This is to say that when we make friends with ourselves we no longer have to be so self-involved. It's a curious twist: making friends with ourselves is a way of not being so self-involved anymore. Then Dogen Zen-ji goes on to say, "To forget yourself is to become enlightened by all things".
When we are not so self-involved, we begin to realize that the world is speaking to us all of the time. Every plant, every tree, every animal, every person, every car, every airplane is speaking to us, teaching us, awakening us. It's a wonderful world, but we often miss it. It's as if we see the previews of coming attractions and never get to the main feature.
When we feel resentful or judgmental, it hurts us and it hurts others. But if we look into it we might see that behind the resentment there is fear and behind the fear there is a tremendous softness. There is a very big heart and a huge mind-a very awake, basic state of being. To experience this we begin to make a journey, the journey of unconditional friendliness toward the self that we already are.
(Happy Birthday to Ani Pema Chodron, July 20th)
There is a Tibetan teaching that is often translated as, Self-cherishing is the root of all suffering. It can be hard for a Western person to hear the term "self-cherishing" without misunderstanding what is being said.
Self-cherishing refers to how we try to protect ourselves by fixating; how we put up walls so that we won't have to feel discomfort or lack of resolution. That notion of self-cherishing refers to the erroneous belief that there could be only comfort and no discomfort, or the belief that there could be only happiness and no sadness, or the belief that there could be just good and no bad.
But what the Buddhist teachings point out is that we could take a much bigger perspective, one that is beyond good and evil. Classifications of good and bad come from lack of maitri. We say that something is good if it makes us feel secure and it's bad if it makes us feel insecure. That way we get into hating people who make us feel insecure and hating all kinds of religions or nationalities that make us feel insecure. And we like those who give us ground under our feet.
When we are so involved with trying to protect ourselves, we are unable to see the pain in another person's face. "Self-cherishing" is ego fixating and grasping: it ties our hearts, our shoulders, our head, our stomach, into knots. We can't open. Everything is in a knot. When we begin to open we can see others and we can be there for them. But to the degree that we haven't worked with our own fear, we are going to shut down when others trigger our fear.
So to know yourself is to forget yourself. This is to say that when we make friends with ourselves we no longer have to be so self-involved. It's a curious twist: making friends with ourselves is a way of not being so self-involved anymore. Then Dogen Zen-ji goes on to say, "To forget yourself is to become enlightened by all things".
When we are not so self-involved, we begin to realize that the world is speaking to us all of the time. Every plant, every tree, every animal, every person, every car, every airplane is speaking to us, teaching us, awakening us. It's a wonderful world, but we often miss it. It's as if we see the previews of coming attractions and never get to the main feature.
When we feel resentful or judgmental, it hurts us and it hurts others. But if we look into it we might see that behind the resentment there is fear and behind the fear there is a tremendous softness. There is a very big heart and a huge mind-a very awake, basic state of being. To experience this we begin to make a journey, the journey of unconditional friendliness toward the self that we already are.
(Happy Birthday to Ani Pema Chodron, July 20th)
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Just Let Go
- Joseph Campbell
Today I am reminded of the advice of Joseph Campbell. Going through the emotional divorce of letting go of an idea, a dream, an unattainable goal, a former life that no longer fits is never an easy process. We struggle to maintain the slipping grasp on the idea with everything we have, sometimes just for principal's sake. In the midst of the fight to keep something alive, we forget about the purity that it was in the first place. In the middle of it all, we somehow lost our way and the gift, the goal, the bright idea became a burden, tainted and transformed into something completely different than what we had intended or expected. When something evolves like this, it is important for us to see it for what it is and not for what we had originally hoped for. Not for the potential it could be. Sometimes we don't realize that the very hand we're holding onto is actually holding us hostage. And all we have to do is just let go.
This can be true for so many aspects of our life, whether it be a career, a project or even an unhealthy relationship.
Today I am reminded of the advice of Joseph Campbell. Going through the emotional divorce of letting go of an idea, a dream, an unattainable goal, a former life that no longer fits is never an easy process. We struggle to maintain the slipping grasp on the idea with everything we have, sometimes just for principal's sake. In the midst of the fight to keep something alive, we forget about the purity that it was in the first place. In the middle of it all, we somehow lost our way and the gift, the goal, the bright idea became a burden, tainted and transformed into something completely different than what we had intended or expected. When something evolves like this, it is important for us to see it for what it is and not for what we had originally hoped for. Not for the potential it could be. Sometimes we don't realize that the very hand we're holding onto is actually holding us hostage. And all we have to do is just let go.
This can be true for so many aspects of our life, whether it be a career, a project or even an unhealthy relationship.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Ready for change.
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Today I had a revelation: All of these years, I've spent chasing a dream that I expect to either make me rich, make me feel accomplished, make me feel fulfilled -has been nothing short of a dog chasing it's own tail. In the end, we arrive to what matters the most: Our relationships, our peace, our joy, the quiet evening of simplicity where there is no stress that follows us home like a trail of toilet paper from a bathroom stall. That has been my life for the last 5 years. Today I cut the invisible cord that has held me to all of the expectations that I thought were important to my being. I have realized in a short, though very stressful 8 months, that the important things in life are love, sharing, good wine and food, sunsets, a great movie that resonates with me, laughter, hugs, an evening in a park with Whataburger, a symphony under the stars. The essence of life and LIVING is not about acquiring a lot of money -only having enough to sustain and make this journey more fun. I am no longer interested in allowing a career to rule my life but rather, doing what I love to do, ONLY what I CAN do and being OK with that. I am who I am regardless of the balance of my bank account, regardless of what I'm doing for a living.
I love the person I have become in life. I love the adversity that I have overcome. I love where my life is headed and although I am not even sure where the next few months will take me, I am ready and open for just whatever. It feels nice to be ready for change.
Today I had a revelation: All of these years, I've spent chasing a dream that I expect to either make me rich, make me feel accomplished, make me feel fulfilled -has been nothing short of a dog chasing it's own tail. In the end, we arrive to what matters the most: Our relationships, our peace, our joy, the quiet evening of simplicity where there is no stress that follows us home like a trail of toilet paper from a bathroom stall. That has been my life for the last 5 years. Today I cut the invisible cord that has held me to all of the expectations that I thought were important to my being. I have realized in a short, though very stressful 8 months, that the important things in life are love, sharing, good wine and food, sunsets, a great movie that resonates with me, laughter, hugs, an evening in a park with Whataburger, a symphony under the stars. The essence of life and LIVING is not about acquiring a lot of money -only having enough to sustain and make this journey more fun. I am no longer interested in allowing a career to rule my life but rather, doing what I love to do, ONLY what I CAN do and being OK with that. I am who I am regardless of the balance of my bank account, regardless of what I'm doing for a living.
I love the person I have become in life. I love the adversity that I have overcome. I love where my life is headed and although I am not even sure where the next few months will take me, I am ready and open for just whatever. It feels nice to be ready for change.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Gratitude is that spoonful of sugar
“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”
Sometimes it's hard to remember gratitude in times of difficulty. In fact, it's hard to even want to feel gratitude, much less care about anything except for the negative subject(s) at hand. I have learned, however, that in these moments of great fear, loss, hurt, anger or whatever it is that we're feeling, gratitude (and humor!) can be that one thing that makes all the difference. The 'spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down', if you will. When we take a moment to realize that the good really does outweigh the bad, we don't feel so lost. Alone. Scared. Helpless or whatever it is that we're up against. The end of a job, a relationship, a "failure". Even these things that seem like a bad thing are what we could feel grateful for because the ending of something isn't nessesarily a bad thing, rather the beginning of something else. Perhaps that something else is just what we've needed, just what we've been waiting for.
Sometimes it's hard to remember gratitude in times of difficulty. In fact, it's hard to even want to feel gratitude, much less care about anything except for the negative subject(s) at hand. I have learned, however, that in these moments of great fear, loss, hurt, anger or whatever it is that we're feeling, gratitude (and humor!) can be that one thing that makes all the difference. The 'spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down', if you will. When we take a moment to realize that the good really does outweigh the bad, we don't feel so lost. Alone. Scared. Helpless or whatever it is that we're up against. The end of a job, a relationship, a "failure". Even these things that seem like a bad thing are what we could feel grateful for because the ending of something isn't nessesarily a bad thing, rather the beginning of something else. Perhaps that something else is just what we've needed, just what we've been waiting for.
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