Don't Eat Dirt.

So often we find ourselves seeking in our adult lives what wasn’t given to us or fulfilled when we were children. The need is almost like a vitamin deficiency. When we need Iron or Potassium, our bodies crave foods that are high in these vitamins. I have even heard of stories where pregnant women eat dirt because their bodies are needing Iron so much. The same is true for our emotional state. We have to be careful that the deficit isn’t so great that we are willing to fill it with whomever comes along that “feels like love”. We have to love ourselves enough to listen to ourselves and not “eat dirt”, if you will.

I was deficient of love and acceptance as a child. I went through many of my childhood years feeling invisible, unloved, unheard. It seemed I didn't matter much. So aside from singing constantly, I kept pretty quiet and to myself. I remember one day when my mother had come to visit. It was the summer time and my grandmothers yellow roses were in full bloom. Although I knew better than to pick them, I did anyway. I wanted to give one to my mother as a gift. I must have held onto that rose for an hour before I worked up the courage to finally give it to her. I was afraid of rejection, I guess. Afraid she wouldn't want it. I always felt like a burden to everyone. A burden to my father, he left. A burden to my mother, she left, a burden to my grandmother, she complained about having to raise my sister and I. I was nearly adopted out to my grandfather's brother and wife, and I remember the unsettling feeling I had at the thought of being taken away from my older sister. I felt like home was nowhere, and I felt unwanted everywhere. The only person I never felt like a burden to was my grandfather. He took the time to talk, to teach, to ask questions, to pray with me, to offer me pencils and a drawing pad, to tell stories, to take me to church. My grandmother did love us to the best of her ability but children cannot process this type of “unspoken love”. Children need to be hugged, held, listened to, accepted, comforted and told they are loved. As I got a little older, I learned that I must not deserve it, and that I wouldn’t get it, anyway, so I learned to be OK without having any of it. Life became easier when I didn't have to worry myself with the need for love. But the truth is, even if we don't want love, we can't help it. We are just wired that way. We are wired for love, happiness and joy. That is what we seek most on our journey through life. We cannot deny our natural human needs, so what happens is, our body finds ways to fill the needs.

I have had moments of uncertainty, when I have felt a partner disconnect emotionally, I find myself second guessing my worth or feeling insecure and reverting right back to those feelings I had as a child where I felt alone and “not worth the fuss”. I shrink back and cover up. I think that maybe I asked for too much. “I should just go away now, so as to not be a bigger burden. Why did I think I could be worth something to this person, why did I open up to them? Stupid me.”  What I’m re-learning, however, is it’s not wrong to open up, to trust, to be vulnerable, to need affection, to ask for what we need from a partner that we love and trust. It's dangerous to need something so much that we look for it outside of ourselves, or with the wrong person. We have to get a place where we know that we are worth it, we are lovable, we are enough.  We have to understand our value and love ourselves enough to not eat dirt.

Mindfulness in Vanilla Cake

I find baking and gardening to be very therapeutic for me. It is a time when I can pause and relax, breathe, think--or not think at all. In the spring and summer, I love to connect with nature and the earth and get my hands dirty when I plant flowers or shrubs. For a moment I am one with the roots and it feels good to nurture something so delicate. We seem to respond to the touch of each other and I enjoy watching the little plants blossom and expand into full-grown, regal bushes with giant leaves and blooming flowers by summers' end. I feel the same sense of connectedness when I bake, only, this is more of a meditative state for me. My hands are creating something that will please the palate and nourish the body. It's a time where I can be mindful and thankful.

I really started to find joy in baking when I moved to Los Angeles. In the beginning, it was my way of feeling connected to "home". Eventually, it grew into my quiet moment in creating something special that I could share with someone else. It's an expression of love and nurturing for me, I presume.

Tonight I decided to bake a homemade vanilla cake. I am going to have to take some notes and read up some more on it but I'd say it turned out pretty good for the first time! It was dense and very buttery, but good overall. It lacked that airy fluffiness that you get from the box cakes. If there were some way to meet in the middle somehow, that would be my ideal. I even made homemade butter cream frosting. It turned out very rich, so I will have to read up on getting it perfect. My first attempt was not a disaster, everyone seemed to like it. And I feel better emotionally and even physically. I have been fighting off a nasty, lingering cold and cough for two weeks now and maybe I just needed a moment to disappear into sweetness, relax and create something to share. :)

Prayer

Osho – Prayer is wonder, reverence. Prayer is receptivity for the miracle that surrounds you. Prayer is surrender to the beauty, to the grandeur to this fantastic existence. Prayer is non-argumentative dialogue with existence. It is not a discussion… it is a love-dialogue. You don’t argue… you simply whisper sweet nothings.

When a man falls in love with a woman he whispers sweet nothings into her ear. When a man falls into love with existence… the same romance: prayer is romance. It is fantasy; it is becoming available to the miraculous. Many people have lost the capacity to pray, because many people have lost the capacity to wonder. They have lost the capacity to be surprised. You go on seeing millions of wonders every day but you are not surprised at all. Your eyes are so full of dust and knowledge that you don’t see anything. A seed is sprouting, and you don’t see any wonder. A new leaf coming out of the tree, and you don’t see any wonder. A bird singing, and nothing happens inside you. A peacock dances, and nothing dances inside you. A white cloud floats in the sky, and you remain untouched. Then prayer is impossible.

Prayer needs a poetic heart, a loving heart. Approach reality more poetically — don’t be too much of a scientist, don’t be too much of a rationalist. don’t think that you know; nothing is really known — ignorance is absolute, ignorance is ultimate. Once you understand that nothing is known, and ignorance is ultimate, you will again be full of those beautiful eyes you had when you were small children.

I have heard… The husband was one of those cynical, sour guys whom nothing moved or impressed. To him, everything was just a big “so what?” He visited a psychiatrist, and after a short examination was given this diagnosis: “You are cold and blase. To you, everything means a big nothing. You are married, eh? Well, here’s what you do. Ringling’s circus is in the town: take your wife and see the show. Take a look at how red-blooded people live and act. Watch the performers who live dangerously; see how they pulsate and glow.”

The schnook took his wife to the circus. Out into the ring came the roaring lions and tigers. The wife was thrilled by the excitement, but the husband yawned and replied, “Yeah? So what?” Finally there came the grand finale where the daredevil was shot out of a cannon three hundred feet into the air, turned several somersaults, and then, pulling out a clarinet, began playing before hitting the net. The crowd roared its appreciation for the act, but the husband, after a few minutes of thought, turned to his wife and grunted in a bored manner, “A Benny Goodman he’s not!”

Prayer is the capacity to be amazed. prayer is the capacity that you had as children, and you have lost. Claim it — reclaim it — because with prayer you have lost all. The day your wondering eyes closed, God became nonexistential to you. Open your wondering eyes again, and you will find him pulsating again. He’s very close by… he’s all around you… he is within and without.

Source – Osho Book “The Divine Melody”

Osho shares his thoughts on making love.

Making love is a gift. Most of us forget the sacredness of sex. It is perhaps one of the most beautiful treasures in life that we take for granted. While it should be honored as a moment to savor, we rush. If you could, for a moment, think of the person you are in love with. Now imagine tomorrow is the last time you will have the opportunity to make love to them. How will you choose to experience this last, sacred moment with this person? Will you be rushed and hurry off or will you savor every minute? In life, we have taken our sacred gifts: breathing, eating, observing, resting, love-making, and we rush through all of it, mindlessly. We take it for granted. We are constantly in a state of what was yesterday and what will be tomorrow but very few times we think about what is right now. We assume that there is always tomorrow, so we forget to appreciate what is right now. The present moment is what exists. Tomorrow does not exist yet. Do not assume that it will. Right here, right now, exists. And in everything we do, we should devote ourself to it, be fully present with it. Sex should have its own sacred space, it should be transcendent and nurturing, but it has become tarnished and abused. In our culture, it is not treated as sacred but merely as an act or an object. It is used to sell products, it is shown violently on television, and it is viewed as something to conquer, not as something to share. Please, take a moment to listen to Osho’s words. It is worth every minute of your time.

Gratitude.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

How often are we so concerned about the few things in life that we feel we lack, that we forget so many things that we DO have. Look at your wonderful friends, your home, your full pantry, your job. So perhaps you feel as though it isn't a great job, but it gives you money. So many people are out of work, some stand in lines for free bags of food. But they are probably so grateful for these bags of food. I was in their shoes once. When I was a child, my mother and I went through hard times a lot. I have experienced, many times, the feeling of being "without". But the truth is, when we have what we need, we are not without. What we are feeling is a socially conditioned, media and market-driven idea that we have to have more in order to matter. We always matter, though, regardless of our current financial or social state. We have to love ourselves unconditionally and always, always show gratitude for what we have. Appreciate the functionality of our 6 senses, of our hands and feet- truly!
Appreciate a sound mind, a warm home, electricity, running water, a car or a bike. Realize that you do have everything you need, and probably many things that you want..and be grateful. Smile, knowing that like the plants, birds and animals, the universe has taken care of you, too. :)

I wish everyone a new year filled with gratitude.
Happiness in 2011.