It's up to you, New York.

In just a few more days I’ll be in New York City. Like LA, New York is another place I’ve waited my entire life to see. I’m feeling a mix of different emotions. I am already overwhelmed and I haven’t even stepped foot on a plane yet. I’m excited, scared, bewildered and ready all at the same time. This is just what I’ve needed after the year I’ve had. I only hope the city will live up to the expectations I’ve created in my mind. But on the other hand, I have no real expectations; only moment by moment experiences that I intend to take in fully. What comes my way is to be determined and I’m very excited about that. I figure, it can only go up from here, right? Well, at least that’s what I’m hoping for. The universe seems to be taking me in that direction and I honestly haven’t got any interest in fighting the current. It’s just the opposite, actually. I welcome and embrace the change; the surprise victory that I know will occur in the core of my being at the very moment I step off that plane and fill my lungs with New York City air. How can a place be such a big deal to me, I wonder? Is it because I’m from a small town and the only one in my family with a real sense of adventure? Is it because of what the place evokes in my heart? The center of earth’s fashion universe, a place to fit in, get lost, make a name for myself, watch humans be human; perhaps all of the above. The only regret I will have is that this adventure will be one I’ll take alone. That saddens me most. When I look out over the city for the first time from that airplane, there won’t be anyone beside me to say “Look at that view!” And when I step onto the streets, I won’t have the luxury of looking over my shoulder and saying to someone, “See? I finally made it!” But there is a big part of me that knows I’m not totally alone. If my dear friend were here, he would have surely gone with me. And if he’s on the other side, I know he’s looking out for me and he’ll probably be there with me, in that great big city, watching me like I’m a child at Disneyland. I realize our lives are so much better spent with people we love. And an adventure like this one is nothing more than a great way to escape the mundane, find myself a little more and serve as a reminder that we all need people in our lives to share these experiences with. And not just general people or acquaintances. I'm talking about people we trust, love, adore, cherish. Our 'soul mates' in life.
I do hope this trip will be one that brings me closer to myself and my goals, in a spiritual sense and literally, in regards to my career. It’s a thought that has been on my mind non-stop. I’m ready to stop being in this state of inertia. I realize that if I never make it to where I want to be and accomplish what I really want to accomplish, I’ve lived a half-life. And when I think of the idea of only living a half-life, I often wonder what the use would be in living at all. I wake up every morning ready to go. I love what I do so much that I cannot imagine doing anything else. I could never abandon my dreams or my passion for creating. Without it, I think I’d just die. That may sound extreme but honestly, until you’ve loved someone or even something so much that it just makes you make sense, you may never understand me. And I also realize that not everyone is wired that way. And I ask myself frequently, why I am. But I’ve become much more content with right now and what’s ahead that I try not to spend too much energy on the things that have passed. I’ve learned the hard way not to waste much time in negative thoughts of yesterday. It no longer exists.

So, here I stand at the gate of my mid-thirties, looking forward only. I will not question fate, choices, who or even who not. It’s no longer my agenda to figure out why things went awry, or wonder what could have been or what should have; rather what’s most important now is what can be. Who will I become, what person will I be to others? What will I contribute or give, who will I surround myself with and for whom will I eventually share that “big love” with. I think about this amazing two week trip I’m about to experience and I wonder, what strange, artistic, interesting people will I meet in New York and what will I see? Where’s the best pizza in the city and most importantly, why is it so darn good? What is a Broadway show like? How, exactly, will that taxi cab smell? What country will the cab driver be from? What’s it like to sit in Central Park and read a good book or stroll Park Avenue? And even more so, how will I feel at the end of it all, how will I be affected? What will I learn about me and what conversations will I have with myself for two weeks alone in a city as massive and inspiring as New York? Who has time to think about the past? The future is so much more interesting!
This is an exciting time in my life. I've given my ultimate dream to the powers that be. Now I can only wait and hope that it all comes to fruition. In the meantime, my world just seems to be opening up. And I'm really enjoying the view!