My Emotional Mess

Tonight has been a Coldplay marathon. It is my healing waters..and 'The Scientist' has been the most fitting theme song for my life right now. After the relationship is over, we can see clearly where we failed. And part of us is glad it's over and the healing can begin, while the other part wants to go back to the start and fix what we broke.

For the most part of the last 24 hours, I have felt mostly lost, scared, confused and in deep, absolute sadness. I’m taking a long break to cry, grieve, breathe and reflect on what just happened as well as the last year of my life which mostly, started out very well and later turned into perhaps the biggest mess, emotional disaster of my life. It began with a colorful journey of self exploration, falling in love, allowing myself to be wide open, travel abroad. It then evolved into a relationship with someone from another country, who felt like all the right answers. He came to USA with all of the best intentions for himself, me, and us. It was almost a fairy tale.  And perhaps that is what I created in my mind.  I guess that was my first mistake.

I love to simplify things. It’s much easier to get to the root of the problem. I don’t like to spend much energy with the “symptoms”, just the facts. The truth is always simple to define and much easier to deal with. If you go straight to the core, you save yourself a lot of precious time. In the very beginning, everything with the relationship seemed to be pure and simple. But the moment trust was completely lost, the house fell fiercely.
I should have let go. But because I was fixed on an idea, an expectation, I thought I could overcome all of these things. I couldn't let go of the expectations I had created.

It is one thing to stay committed to something we truly believe in, but it's another thing to rationalize and hold on to our projections so much that we don't see the reality of the situation and we end up hurting ourselves more.  It has been a hard, hard lesson. What I have learned from this experience is that I have the capacity to love beyond what I ever knew possible. I have also learned that people won't always be able to live up to the expectations we create in our minds. I have learned that trust, beyond all things, is vital in a relationship.  And infidelity is my ultimate deal breaker. I have learned that while we should always put others first, there is a time where we must be brutally honest with ourselves and love ourselves enough to just let go.