It’s been a crazy year and a half. I came to Denver with absolute reluctance, with only what could fit into my car and not a single clue as to what would happen next. I had to leave Dallas because everything felt as though it was in shambles. I needed to simplify and stabilize. So when the job called in Denver, I answered. I knew I had to make some kind of move. Standing there stagnant wasn’t an option.
I had never been to Denver until I arrived two days before I was to start on Monday. I was hired as a denim designer for a western wear company and that’s all I lived, breathed and knew for the first six months. The first month and a half, I lived mostly like a squatter in a nice but tiny, overpriced apartment with no furniture and only an air mattress. I think it was a sign that I wanted to have one foot in and one foot out. I was never completely OK with being in Denver. It never fit me the way it does a lot of people who move here and instantly fall in love. The mountains and nature are beautiful, but cities each have a personality and they speak to you. Much in the way friendships are born, cities can be the same way.
I never really knew how long I’d stay here or what would become of my life in Denver. My job felt rocky (no pun really intended) from the very beginning. People were coming and going, mysteriously disappearing, walking out, getting fired, etc. So, I sensed the instability early in the game and knew that whatever I did, or for however long I was here, I had to make the best of my situation. I absolutely love what I do. I love to create, to make a difference and to contribute. I really feel as though my heart and soul were poured into the lines I was responsible for. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t give 100%, nor did I think of throwing in the towel before I had a chance to see it all through. I had a responsibility to my lines, and to myself. I wanted nothing more than to see them all succeed. I soldiered on, despite the volatility at work. Early on, I even had two possible job offers and one in LA for sure but I knew I needed to stick this one out. Something told me there was a reward for hanging in there.
So I did what I felt was right.
More months went by, I never took vacation time, I missed out on a lot of family holidays and events. Mostly because I took on an additional (huge) line at work when they failed to hire a tops designer to replace the old one who left. Of course, I was doing more work but not getting paid any more for it. Eventually, I found myself in the doctor’s office having myself checked out to make sure I was alright. I was having terrible neck, back, and nerve issues. I was going to the massage therapist twice a month just to feel OK. I made jokes about self-medicating with wine after work but honestly, it wasn’t a joke. I wasn’t drinking heavily, but the simple fact that I thought of that as a way out should have told me things were not OK. I was miserable inside and just dying to do something, anything else. I started doing more yoga, meditation and bought myself a bike that I had been wanting for so long. I loved riding my bike as much as I could. I found that doing things that were completely unrelated to work in my downtime was essential for my well being. Interestingly enough, the love of bike riding led to another weekend project of a bike bag and I began pursuing that as a possible business venture. I submitted my design specs to a factory and within weeks, my first prototypes arrived.
A few more months went by and as providence would have it, my job let me go. That was 2 weeks ago but it already feels like an eternity. I am now so far removed from that place and state of mind that I can barely relate to any of it anymore. At the time, it didn’t feel too good at all. I was scared and had a sore ego. But as I see it now, they really did me a huge favor. I was dragging my feet and afraid to take a chance, afraid to leave the comfort of a nest. None of us ever want to lose that steady paycheck but I have to tell you, your happiness is priceless. No matter how much they are paying, what you feel at the end of the day is really all that matters. I am happier now than I have been all year. I can’t tell you how great it feels to work on something I truly love and believe in. And even if I have to go and work some plain ol' job for a while, I am totally fine with it!
The good news is, I am no longer having any neck pains or back trouble; I can’t help but think it was all stress related due to my job.
Oh, and of course I met a wonderful man, too. :) He has been such a support and my rock through all of this. Oddly enough, I think I was just two weeks away from packing up my car and heading to LA when I met him. If I would have just quit everything and given up, I wouldn't have met him, nor would I have probably pursued my own line of bike bags the way I have now. After all, it was all the bike rides with him that made me realize what it was I needed to pursue. My life is better now, today, than it was April 17th 2011 when I arrived in Denver for “a job”. Maybe the job brought me here, but maybe it wasn't the whole reason I ended up here at all. At first glance, what we see in front of us, what appears as an obvious journey is just a stepping stone to something even bigger and greater than what we could ever plan.
And I guess my point in all of this is, if you’re unhappy where you are, start moving into the direction you want to go. And if you don’t know where you want to go exactly, just start moving and life will take it from there.
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