Hold Me Tight

I am midway through the book, "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It isn't a book that would normally catch my attention but it was recommended and really relevant to what I have been going through. After page 98, I realize just how much I needed this and I'm reminded again, that it all happens for a reason. We are given gifts at just the right time. In the first few chapters it identifies the "dance" that couples sometimes go through when one or the other feels a loss of emotional connection or intimacy with their partner. It talks about how the couple can identify the problem as it arises and realize in the moment that basically, they are nitpicking about symptoms when the real problem is that they just need to reconnect, reassure and express their love and presence. This is something that is very common but half the battle is knowing and realizing when this occurs and not creating a space for your partner to become the bad guy when what you really need is just a touch, a kiss, a hug, a word of affirmation or someone to just hold you for a while, make you feel secure. I have learned the most important element in the relationship equation is emotional security. Without a solid foundation of emotional security in a relationship, the house will eventually fall.

My Emotional Mess

Tonight has been a Coldplay marathon. It is my healing waters..and 'The Scientist' has been the most fitting theme song for my life right now. After the relationship is over, we can see clearly where we failed. And part of us is glad it's over and the healing can begin, while the other part wants to go back to the start and fix what we broke.

For the most part of the last 24 hours, I have felt mostly lost, scared, confused and in deep, absolute sadness. I’m taking a long break to cry, grieve, breathe and reflect on what just happened as well as the last year of my life which mostly, started out very well and later turned into perhaps the biggest mess, emotional disaster of my life. It began with a colorful journey of self exploration, falling in love, allowing myself to be wide open, travel abroad. It then evolved into a relationship with someone from another country, who felt like all the right answers. He came to USA with all of the best intentions for himself, me, and us. It was almost a fairy tale.  And perhaps that is what I created in my mind.  I guess that was my first mistake.

I love to simplify things. It’s much easier to get to the root of the problem. I don’t like to spend much energy with the “symptoms”, just the facts. The truth is always simple to define and much easier to deal with. If you go straight to the core, you save yourself a lot of precious time. In the very beginning, everything with the relationship seemed to be pure and simple. But the moment trust was completely lost, the house fell fiercely.
I should have let go. But because I was fixed on an idea, an expectation, I thought I could overcome all of these things. I couldn't let go of the expectations I had created.

It is one thing to stay committed to something we truly believe in, but it's another thing to rationalize and hold on to our projections so much that we don't see the reality of the situation and we end up hurting ourselves more.  It has been a hard, hard lesson. What I have learned from this experience is that I have the capacity to love beyond what I ever knew possible. I have also learned that people won't always be able to live up to the expectations we create in our minds. I have learned that trust, beyond all things, is vital in a relationship.  And infidelity is my ultimate deal breaker. I have learned that while we should always put others first, there is a time where we must be brutally honest with ourselves and love ourselves enough to just let go.

The arrival of my Quantum Quattro and a few ideas..

My Quantum Quattro arrived yesterday and I couldn't have been more overjoyed. I felt like a child for the last few days, eagerly waiting for the package to arrive. The box, containing five 2" stones originally came from Namibia, Africa, the only place in the world where Quantum Quattro is found. It was first discovered in 1996 and it wasn't discovered by me until about three weeks ago. Since then, I have been obsessing over where and how to get my hands on this rare stone. It's amazing how something like a rock could bring me such excitement and wonderment. But I think about it and realize it isn't so strange after all. My grandfather taught my mom about the awareness of earth's little treasures all around us and she, in turn, taught me. I guess that comes with the territory when you are a simple family without much means. You learn to look at the beauty around you and wait for treasures to be found in the most obscure places. For my mother and I, it was at the beach along the shore or on the ground, looking for rocks that caught our eye. Sometimes they were sparkly, sometimes they were just shaped funny or made of some "mysterious" composite. But regardless, they were our found treasures and we became attached to them, each one with their own story. My sister shares a love for gemstones also. In fact, she found a crystal geode in her back yard last year! Some people reading this may find our fascination with "rocks" bizarre, silly or even frivolous, but I tend the think otherwise. I almost wonder if it's our natural human instinct to look at the earth's natural resources for comfort, connection, usefulness and entertainment. Prehistoric humans used rocks as early as 2,000,000 B.C. Flint and other hard rocks were important raw materials for crafting arrowheads and other tools. By 500,000 B.C., rock caves and structures made from stones had become important forms of shelter for humans. In the metaphysical aspect, crystals are used for balancing chakras and healing. For example, Quantum Quattro is said to be useful for healing the immune system, grief of past trauma and complete alignment of all chakras as well as mental clarity when placed on the third eye. I am not exactly sure of the powerful allure that minerals have. Perhaps our rocks are just a hobby and all of this means nothing or perhaps we just want something tangible to believe in that we can see, study, touch, hold. Or maybe it's just in our DNA to be curious enough about something much older than ourselves. Maybe it's the idea that rocks hold the past of our existence. Within their layers of time, our history is written.

Staying in the feeling of love and wellness

"You must decide to stay in the feeling of love, prosperity, wellness, or whatever you desire, and let that feeling just flow through you. And remember that you get what you think about, whether you want it or not." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

This statement is just what I needed today. Actually, what I’ve needed for much of the last few weeks. I feel like I have lost me, lost my enthusiasm, my undying optimism that makes me feel like I can move mountains. My zest for life has become slightly wilted and I’m left wondering “what’s next”? I find myself searching through Craigslist ads as if the key to my Kingdom exists there. Perhaps in a new job, a new cottage by the beach, Durango. Somewhere, anywhere but here. What am I searching for? Perhaps it’s nothing tangible at all. Maybe just peace of mind. Clarity. My happiness and sensibility.
And then I’m reminded by Dr. Dyer that my thoughts, my life and dissatisfaction are what cause my recent perpetual state of funk. I do not want to give any energy to negative thoughts or feelings but how do I throw away the road blocks? How do I stay in the feeling of love and prosperity if I feel like I’m rowing a boat upstream? I need to be able to accept me, to embrace the fact that I am who I am. I live and breathe for creativity, dreams, goals, philosophy, adventure and spirituality. I cannot surround myself with people who do not share my energy, or at the very least understand it. Sometimes I think I’m too complicated but maybe I am not so hard to understand after all. Or maybe I should just give myself permission to be complicated. Maybe I can only row upstream for so long before realizing that I’m going about it all wrong. Perhaps I am not so weird but the life I am trying to fit in this "box" is ass-backwards.

Finding the answer without moving.

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering. -Saint Augustine

So often we seek the answers to our universe in the ruins of Rome, the pyramids of Egypt, the histories of men from ancient times. But our universe is perceived in us. The response of a negative event in our life propels us to travel, seek answers, find truths. What we often discover is ourselves, through the deep wandering and distant space between where we were and where we end up in our journey, in the world. Our universe exists in us and in the end, only our spiritual journey mattered. How we treated others mattered, what we did for others mattered. No amount of physical journey by land, sea or air will answer the questions locked inside of us. Rather, quiet meditation that involves no movement is where we find our answers.