Beginnings, Endings and Distant Places

Los Angeles, a year later. It was refreshing to see the same streets, the same places, feel the weather as warm, sunny and predictable as it was the last time I was here. There is a constance here that feels comfortable and so safe. There are no negative footprints left behind anywhere for me here in Los Angeles. The orange trees, the giant palms and tropical plants, all speak kindly to me. I'm easily reminded of why I loved this place so much and although bittersweet, I'm glad to be here right now.

My first stop was California Vegan located on Sunset Blvd. They offer the most non-vegan looking OR tasting Vegan you could ever imagine. Looks like shrimp, tastes like shrimp, isn't really shrimp. Same with the "chicken" skewers. Awesome.

I trekked on over to The House of Intuition in Silverlake area. What a beautiful and tranquil place. I bought a few crystals: Chrysocolla, Moss Agate, Flourite and Rhodochrosite. After my metaphysical adventure, I was off to Melrose Ave. to visit Crossroads Trading Co. as well as the various stores in the area. The street didn't seem as lively as it once had. Perhaps it was because it was Wednesday, perhaps it is because of this damned economy or perhaps it was because of the glasses I was looking through. It felt very..quiet, calm and yes, a bit lonely.

I'm still struggling very much with my emotions. But the good news is, I am not angry. I'll never let anger take over me again.

Reminders of a distant past seem to be everywhere; and my pain comes and goes in unrelenting waves. I feel as though I wander numbly, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, how long I will feel this way and how low I will go. I wish I knew what to expect next. I am in a beautiful, comfortable space and yet the loneliness and uncertainty is fighting to overshadow all of it.

Smiling at Fear

"When you are frightened by something, you have to relate with fear, explore why you are frightened, and develop some sense of conviction. You can actually look at fear. Then fear ceases to be the dominant situation that is going to defeat you. Fear can be conquered. You can be free from fear if you realize that fear is not the ogre. You can step on fear, and therefore, you can attain what is known as fearlessness. But that requires that, when you see fear, you smile." -Chogyam Trungpa

How often we have allowed fear to cloud our judgement, create an agenda, prevent us from making the right choices (or ANY choices), or set in motion a series of events for all the wrong reasons. Fear is stressful, uncomfortable, scary and creates instability in our lives. Think about your fears for a moment and then ask yourself "What would I do if I were not afraid"? Take fear, look at it, ask all of the questions you need to ask and realize that it CAN be conquered. We can look at the fear and realize it is not the fear that defeats us, but ourselves. But what does it mean to SMILE AT FEAR? For me, it means to embrace fearlessness and to be honest with a part of myself that is connected to the fear.
Example 1: Fear of not being good enough. "Why do I feel that way?" Explore it. Learn what it means. Grow. Give/Share.
Example 2: Fear of being alone. "What is so wrong with that?" Again, ask, explore the feeling, learn what it means, overcome, grow, peace. This is the moment when you can be completely honest with yourself. This is the moment where you have to keep digging, keep asking "why?" until you've uncovered all of the layers.

For me, this is what 'smiling at fear' means. It means to recognize the fear but smile at the opportunity to conquer, learn, release the fear and grow into the whole, loving, fearless creature that we are to be.

Forcing Open the Bud

Flowers have their own seasons and time for growth, blooming, death and rebirth. Most flowers bloom in the Spring, naturally with the right amount of sun, warmth and water. When I was a little girl, I remember wondering what would happen if I forced open a rose bud. I picked the little pink rose and began to gently peel open the first layer of green to reveal the swirling pink petals underneath. Some of the petals tore as I opened it and some were just unwilling to separate from the others. Layer upon layer, I tried to peel each petal back to reveal the next layers, but when I was done, it looked nothing like the giant, beautiful blooms on the bush that had had their weeks in the sun and the morning dew to open naturally. When a flower is a bud, it is essential to wait out the process before the bud opens up to become a full bloom. In its natural timing, the bud will flourish on its own to reveal it’s true beauty and if you force it open, you will have nothing but a ruined flower that never had a chance to live up to its full potential. I have learned that the parallel truth to this analogy is the same in our relationships. Timing, natural progression, patience and nurturing are essential to the outcome of a relationship. It is important to realize where our hearts are, where our lives are in retrospect to where our expectations are. We cannot expect a positive outcome to a situation we are “forcing open”. We must allow our love relationships to happen organically, be patient and mindful or else risk the chance of great damage to an otherwise beautiful bloom. The good news is, our relationships are repairable, if we want it. And blooms come back again in the next season of our lives.

Bloom your heart open and create the space for love in abundance. When you hit your personal note and highest frequency of LOVE, you send out a vibration that draws in everything that is integral for your highest truth.

Hold Me Tight

I am midway through the book, "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It isn't a book that would normally catch my attention but it was recommended and really relevant to what I have been going through. After page 98, I realize just how much I needed this and I'm reminded again, that it all happens for a reason. We are given gifts at just the right time. In the first few chapters it identifies the "dance" that couples sometimes go through when one or the other feels a loss of emotional connection or intimacy with their partner. It talks about how the couple can identify the problem as it arises and realize in the moment that basically, they are nitpicking about symptoms when the real problem is that they just need to reconnect, reassure and express their love and presence. This is something that is very common but half the battle is knowing and realizing when this occurs and not creating a space for your partner to become the bad guy when what you really need is just a touch, a kiss, a hug, a word of affirmation or someone to just hold you for a while, make you feel secure. I have learned the most important element in the relationship equation is emotional security. Without a solid foundation of emotional security in a relationship, the house will eventually fall.

My Emotional Mess

Tonight has been a Coldplay marathon. It is my healing waters..and 'The Scientist' has been the most fitting theme song for my life right now. After the relationship is over, we can see clearly where we failed. And part of us is glad it's over and the healing can begin, while the other part wants to go back to the start and fix what we broke.

For the most part of the last 24 hours, I have felt mostly lost, scared, confused and in deep, absolute sadness. I’m taking a long break to cry, grieve, breathe and reflect on what just happened as well as the last year of my life which mostly, started out very well and later turned into perhaps the biggest mess, emotional disaster of my life. It began with a colorful journey of self exploration, falling in love, allowing myself to be wide open, travel abroad. It then evolved into a relationship with someone from another country, who felt like all the right answers. He came to USA with all of the best intentions for himself, me, and us. It was almost a fairy tale.  And perhaps that is what I created in my mind.  I guess that was my first mistake.

I love to simplify things. It’s much easier to get to the root of the problem. I don’t like to spend much energy with the “symptoms”, just the facts. The truth is always simple to define and much easier to deal with. If you go straight to the core, you save yourself a lot of precious time. In the very beginning, everything with the relationship seemed to be pure and simple. But the moment trust was completely lost, the house fell fiercely.
I should have let go. But because I was fixed on an idea, an expectation, I thought I could overcome all of these things. I couldn't let go of the expectations I had created.

It is one thing to stay committed to something we truly believe in, but it's another thing to rationalize and hold on to our projections so much that we don't see the reality of the situation and we end up hurting ourselves more.  It has been a hard, hard lesson. What I have learned from this experience is that I have the capacity to love beyond what I ever knew possible. I have also learned that people won't always be able to live up to the expectations we create in our minds. I have learned that trust, beyond all things, is vital in a relationship.  And infidelity is my ultimate deal breaker. I have learned that while we should always put others first, there is a time where we must be brutally honest with ourselves and love ourselves enough to just let go.