Gettin' in the Groove

It only took two days in LA for me to be inspired and get my creative energies moving. This city never ceases to amaze me. Even in it's slump, I am finding pearls. Today started off a little bit lazy. I headed to Wacko's first to acquire a new Shag sticker. Alas, they were just about out and the two styles they had left were a naked woman with two goat-men or a guy in a blue suit with a cigarette. I'm just sad that I won't be here on Sept. 11th as Shag signs the last 100 8-ball posters in Burbank.

On to the next stop for home made fries and ketchup at Umami Burger. It wasn't what I had hoped for. The fries tasted strange and the homemade ketchup was entirely too sweet. I asked for Dijon mustard in an attempt to save my giant frites but it ended up being way too potent! Pretty much a loss there.

The Griffith Park Observatory was next. LA was even smoggier today than usual. The view was good but the funky haze lingered low.

Up Beachwood Drive into old Hollywood (aka Hollywoodland). I stopped into an antiques shop. Typical little shop: dusty, dimly lit, a lot of obscure pieces and the biggest Roseville vase I had ever seen. The shop owner was pretty proud of it. I found a nice little purchase, however. A large Rose Quartz and sterling silver pendant ($15). Simply beautiful. Supposedly, it attracts love. The cafe that I wanted to stop into had already closed so I will have to try again tomorrow. It's an adorable little cafe with the most delicious looking pies and pastries. I'm around 110 lbs. right now but I will gain about 3 pounds before I leave this place, I know it!

In the evening, I was invited to go to The Comedy Store. It was a fairly small crowd but most of the comedians were funny and I needed the laughs. Wouldn't you know it, Marlon Wayans showed up as a surprise guest! He was pretty good. A far cry from his movie, "White Chicks".

Overall, Day 2 was good. I have decided to move forward with my Denim 101 book. Ideas are still forming on this and I'll need a few more days yet but it feels very promising!

Beginnings, Endings and Distant Places

Los Angeles, a year later. It was refreshing to see the same streets, the same places, feel the weather as warm, sunny and predictable as it was the last time I was here. There is a constance here that feels comfortable and so safe. There are no negative footprints left behind anywhere for me here in Los Angeles. The orange trees, the giant palms and tropical plants, all speak kindly to me. I'm easily reminded of why I loved this place so much and although bittersweet, I'm glad to be here right now.

My first stop was California Vegan located on Sunset Blvd. They offer the most non-vegan looking OR tasting Vegan you could ever imagine. Looks like shrimp, tastes like shrimp, isn't really shrimp. Same with the "chicken" skewers. Awesome.

I trekked on over to The House of Intuition in Silverlake area. What a beautiful and tranquil place. I bought a few crystals: Chrysocolla, Moss Agate, Flourite and Rhodochrosite. After my metaphysical adventure, I was off to Melrose Ave. to visit Crossroads Trading Co. as well as the various stores in the area. The street didn't seem as lively as it once had. Perhaps it was because it was Wednesday, perhaps it is because of this damned economy or perhaps it was because of the glasses I was looking through. It felt very..quiet, calm and yes, a bit lonely.

I'm still struggling very much with my emotions. But the good news is, I am not angry. I'll never let anger take over me again.

Reminders of a distant past seem to be everywhere; and my pain comes and goes in unrelenting waves. I feel as though I wander numbly, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, how long I will feel this way and how low I will go. I wish I knew what to expect next. I am in a beautiful, comfortable space and yet the loneliness and uncertainty is fighting to overshadow all of it.

Smiling at Fear

"When you are frightened by something, you have to relate with fear, explore why you are frightened, and develop some sense of conviction. You can actually look at fear. Then fear ceases to be the dominant situation that is going to defeat you. Fear can be conquered. You can be free from fear if you realize that fear is not the ogre. You can step on fear, and therefore, you can attain what is known as fearlessness. But that requires that, when you see fear, you smile." -Chogyam Trungpa

How often we have allowed fear to cloud our judgement, create an agenda, prevent us from making the right choices (or ANY choices), or set in motion a series of events for all the wrong reasons. Fear is stressful, uncomfortable, scary and creates instability in our lives. Think about your fears for a moment and then ask yourself "What would I do if I were not afraid"? Take fear, look at it, ask all of the questions you need to ask and realize that it CAN be conquered. We can look at the fear and realize it is not the fear that defeats us, but ourselves. But what does it mean to SMILE AT FEAR? For me, it means to embrace fearlessness and to be honest with a part of myself that is connected to the fear.
Example 1: Fear of not being good enough. "Why do I feel that way?" Explore it. Learn what it means. Grow. Give/Share.
Example 2: Fear of being alone. "What is so wrong with that?" Again, ask, explore the feeling, learn what it means, overcome, grow, peace. This is the moment when you can be completely honest with yourself. This is the moment where you have to keep digging, keep asking "why?" until you've uncovered all of the layers.

For me, this is what 'smiling at fear' means. It means to recognize the fear but smile at the opportunity to conquer, learn, release the fear and grow into the whole, loving, fearless creature that we are to be.

Forcing Open the Bud

Flowers have their own seasons and time for growth, blooming, death and rebirth. Most flowers bloom in the Spring, naturally with the right amount of sun, warmth and water. When I was a little girl, I remember wondering what would happen if I forced open a rose bud. I picked the little pink rose and began to gently peel open the first layer of green to reveal the swirling pink petals underneath. Some of the petals tore as I opened it and some were just unwilling to separate from the others. Layer upon layer, I tried to peel each petal back to reveal the next layers, but when I was done, it looked nothing like the giant, beautiful blooms on the bush that had had their weeks in the sun and the morning dew to open naturally. When a flower is a bud, it is essential to wait out the process before the bud opens up to become a full bloom. In its natural timing, the bud will flourish on its own to reveal it’s true beauty and if you force it open, you will have nothing but a ruined flower that never had a chance to live up to its full potential. I have learned that the parallel truth to this analogy is the same in our relationships. Timing, natural progression, patience and nurturing are essential to the outcome of a relationship. It is important to realize where our hearts are, where our lives are in retrospect to where our expectations are. We cannot expect a positive outcome to a situation we are “forcing open”. We must allow our love relationships to happen organically, be patient and mindful or else risk the chance of great damage to an otherwise beautiful bloom. The good news is, our relationships are repairable, if we want it. And blooms come back again in the next season of our lives.

Bloom your heart open and create the space for love in abundance. When you hit your personal note and highest frequency of LOVE, you send out a vibration that draws in everything that is integral for your highest truth.

Hold Me Tight

I am midway through the book, "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It isn't a book that would normally catch my attention but it was recommended and really relevant to what I have been going through. After page 98, I realize just how much I needed this and I'm reminded again, that it all happens for a reason. We are given gifts at just the right time. In the first few chapters it identifies the "dance" that couples sometimes go through when one or the other feels a loss of emotional connection or intimacy with their partner. It talks about how the couple can identify the problem as it arises and realize in the moment that basically, they are nitpicking about symptoms when the real problem is that they just need to reconnect, reassure and express their love and presence. This is something that is very common but half the battle is knowing and realizing when this occurs and not creating a space for your partner to become the bad guy when what you really need is just a touch, a kiss, a hug, a word of affirmation or someone to just hold you for a while, make you feel secure. I have learned the most important element in the relationship equation is emotional security. Without a solid foundation of emotional security in a relationship, the house will eventually fall.