REMINDERS FOR THE JOURNEY

Marriage issues that lead to divorce 90% of the time

Over a decade and a half ago, researcher and psychologist, John Gottman, conducted some of the best marriage research that has ever been done, and wrote about it in a book titled, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In his book, he identified four elements or dynamics that take place in troubled marriages, and claims that if even one of these is present and not changed, it will predict divorce in 9 out of 10 marriages. Many of the marriages that see me in my counseling office contain not just one of these, but often all four.

The elements, which he terms “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,”a phrase borrowed from the Book of Revelation in the New Testament, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and withdrawal, and I will elaborate briefly on each of these as my “reminder” this week. Virtually all marital partners will practice these destructive elements at least occasionally. They become even more destructive when they are chronic and not identified. Identification is important as we cannot change that which we don't recognize.

If one or both of the partners practice constant criticism, the marriage cannot have intimacy, as the recipient of criticism will not feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, there can be no real emotional connection; hence the marriage will lack closeness and will at best only be a role relationship rather than a personal relationship. Many extramarital affairs take place out of marriages that lack intimacy. We live in a critical culture and often can't even identify that which constitutes criticism. If any of my readers want to know more about this, send me an e-mail and I will send a handout titled “House Rules,” that defines criticism.

Concerning the second element, defensiveness, we can be assured that if criticism exists, defensiveness will also be present. Just because another person is critical, we don't have to be defensive, but almost everyone will be. If we realize that our partner is often defensive, we would do well to examine if our criticism is inviting the defensive response.

If criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal, or stonewalling, are present, the third element will likely develop. It is contempt, or stated succinctly, the partners eventually just don't like each other. How can any relationship endure in a healthy way – or at all – when partners feel disgust or contempt for each other?

As destructive as the above 3 elements are, Gottman considers the most lethal to be withdrawal, or stonewalling, as when this is practiced, there is no chance for the couple to effectively resolve issues between them. Men are more likely to withdraw than are women, probably at a clip of 8 out of 10 times. In defense of stonewallers, though, I understand why this happens, as the withdrawer's experience is that when the couple engages, nothing constructive ever happens, and rather than digging the hole even deeper, he simply refuses to talk about it.

I don't think we are born with the ability to practice marriage well, and most of us are from families in which our parents' marriage was less than stellar. As a result, if we hope to succeed at making our marriages work well, we have to not only love each other, but also learn a few things about “how to do” marriage.

(Doug Smith is a licensed professional counselor in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.)

Jeans: From the Drawing Board to the Dressing Room

What happens in the fashion world before that coveted garment ever hits the runway? Many people are unaware of the life cycle of a garment. From the time it is conceived in the mind of the creative genius to the moment the factory breathes life into it and the second it enters a sales floor, it goes through stages of it’s own life. And each phase has it’s own story. Until my friends met me, they rarely thought to look beyond face value at a garment and realize there was actually a person who thought of every little detail. The zippers and buttons, though merely functional to the naked eye were well thought out and designed by someone. Someone somewhere decided on that element for the garment. The thread color was the idea of the designer, the shape of the rear pocket, it’s placement on the jeans that determines the way your rear end will look. There is a progression of stages, thoughts, science and art that is poured into every garment you’ll ever wear. The life of a garment travels through many hands and many places before it ever reaches yours. It starts with a drawing and raw fabric. A collaboration of designers, assistants, fabric and trim agents, patternmakers, cutters, sewers, finishers, washers, sales reps and marketers all have a part in creating a garment that you as a consumer choose to wear. No doubt we have all seen Project Runway and were fascinated by the drama, glamour and hopeful fame and fortune that the designers wish for. The truth is it isn’t all glamour, glitz and notoriety. It’s hard work with its share of tragedy and comedy, delays, financial loss, sweatshops, competition, snags and stress. We are dealing with thousands of apparel units and very strict deadlines. If you ever have the opportunity to visit an apparel manufacturing facility in downtown L.A. you will quickly learn that there is no glamour in fashion beyond a New York runway. There is no such thing as a designer without a chaotic workspace. This is the life of fashion that I know.
So, the next time you try on a great pair of jeans, keep in mind it’s history and know that there were many talented people who worked hard to make that garment happen.

Flying out of Wonderland

Today’s blog message comes straight from my seat on flight 388. This past week in LA was rejuvenating. It was all about my emotional awareness, growing, reconnecting with my friends and finding my spiritual self. But my last thoughts on the plane seem to resonate deeper and summarize a clearer messsage for what I have really learned. I have realized that love still exists. In me. I think I spent so many years trying to figure out if I was even capable of loving completely or not. A relationship that ended badly, showed me that I am indeed capable of vulnerable love - Receiving and giving, freely. This lesson, however, was not about knowing if I was lovable or not. It was about learning about my limitations in love. I discovered I am stronger and capable of more than I thought. I realized I could indeed love someone enough to be with them forever, I could take risks. I can wake up to the same beautiful person every morning, even on days when I don’t feel so beautiful, nor do they. I realized that lost love fucking hurts. I mean, really hurts like hell. But there’s beauty in that pain. It feels wonderful to FEEL. Even if it stings. I am alive inside, I am connected to all of me and that’s the beautiful part of living.

Today I believe in love more than I thought possible. You’d think I’d be in a sour space full of jaded comments and a crinkled nose as I contemplate love and relationships. But in fact, it’s just the opposite. I feel a sense of clarity and trust in myself and in others that I didn’t have before.
I want to be with someone who knows me inside and out because he takes the time to learn me, and allows me to learn who he is. Someone who appreciates who I am. One who weathers any storm we are faced with, who will stand there with me when I need him the most.
I want him to believe in the investment of time, sometimes hard times, that make us closer. I want to laugh with him until my face hurts and share all of my ridiculous theories or fears with him. I want to be with the same man until I am friggin older than dirt. That’s the good stuff. That’s what it’s about for me. So when it’s time to stop and smell a rose or two, I will be present. Totally, completely, purely. Today I feel like a completely different person.

And I love me more than ever.

“Love is the best part…So what if we get hurt”.

Not a cloud in sight

I guess my big question today is, "Where am I now"? I'm in a happier place, I know that much. Being out here has been a tremendous catalyst on so many levels. Without a doubt, this is the happiest place in my world right now. But the question still remains, "What next?" I have a lot of great ideas, and that's a fantastic start. Or, perhaps that is a question not ready to be answered just yet. I feel like I am in warp speed right now and time is completely relative. What I went through seems so far away that I can't even understand or relate to it anymore. It's now this foggy cloud of weird, confusing, painful images and I feel as though I just woke up from a very bad dream.

This whole week has been so centered around no agenda, no daily plan, just going with the flow, a lot of spirituality, finding my center, eating good food and surrounding myself with my friends. They have been wonderful. I don't think they understand how much I love and appreciate them. But I do. I've learned that you can get through ANYTHING in life if you have the support of family and friends. They are our umbrellas in life; It can't rain forever. Storms pass and the sun will come out again.

A little Cherokee Wisdom

A woman's highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite
with source. Her lowest calling is to seduce, separate man from soul,
and leave him aimlessly wandering. A man's highest calling is to protect
woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed. Man's lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into a woman's life." - Cherokee Wisdom

Whatever spirit we are born into (masculine or feminine), we must embrace what is instinctually and biologically attached to it and use it in it's purest form to create harmony and balance in our relationships.