It's Time to Piss on the Fire

Today is a new beginning.  I am closing chapters in my life and it feels very, odd.  Change of address, shipping boxes to a new home, tying up loose ends,  shipping out all of the last items that I sold, downgrading my seller store on eBay.  I am no longer doing any of that anymore.  The semi bohemian-gypsy life that I have been living for the last year is coming to an end and the florescent lights of the corporate world beckon me like a 7-11 on a long, dark stretch of lonely highway.  As Jackie Gleason once said, “It’s time to piss on the fire”. 

It has been an interesting year. I created an amazing collection of bags that were loved, and are now all over the world from Alaska to Japan.  I have seen so much of the rest of America.  From the flat farmland in the Midwest to Amish country , the historic city of Philadelphia to the green rolling landscape of Virginia.

And just when I thought it was time to settle in, I get a call. Well, an email. And it’s too good to pass up.

After 6 months of a long, cold winter that gave way to a beautiful, enchanting spring, it’s on to another city for a whole new adventure.  Well, kind of.  The city is familiar, but the lifestyle will be exceptionally different than when I lived there before.  Yep, Dallas.  That old, comfortable shoe that my feet always seem to return to.  It seems as though my life for the last three years has been somewhat of a game of Monopoly, and here I am about to pass Go and collect my $200. We start from point A, only to find ourselves arriving right back where we began.  The best part of it all is when you leave and experience the rest of the country, or the world, you discover that your own backyard wasn’t so bad after all.  That maybe it wasn’t the city or the area that needed changing; perhaps it was you that needed to see it differently.  Perception is everything. And our creative force is with us anywhere we go, we just have to realize that and be confident enough to create a space wherever we are, even if it seems there is no “space” to create it. 

 I think about the journey.   I think about everything I have experienced.  The hard times, the great times.  The things that were beautiful, the things that were painful, but also beautiful -even if they didn’t seem so beautiful at the time.  I think of everyone who  I have met along the way.  The story that their life and my life wrote when they collided. I think of all the moments I missed out on while I was away from family, and then all of the moments going forward that I won’t be missing.  It makes me smile. 
This has been hard but it feels like the end of a hard road.  There was a moment three years ago when moving just felt like I was force feeding myself a healthy bowl of sticky, tasteless oatmeal.  This time, moving feels good.    

No more sticky oatmeal.    

New Year, new.. me?

I am finally back in Denver. I feel like I have been traveling for months, really. I am here, I am there. Sometimes I feel like I'm nowhere. Being all over the map has been by my design, perhaps. I guess I felt that as long as I was always moving, coming, going, away, busy, I would have less time inside my head.  LA was mostly a great escape for me. It usually is, but this time it felt a little less liberating than it has in the past. Maybe because no matter where we go, we can't silence the thoughts that don't want to be silenced. No matter what we do to distract, the natural human desire inside of us wants to heal.

I am in a weird place in my life.  Not entirely powerless, but not exactly empowered. I'm not even sure how to describe it.  I'm glad the year is over and a new year is here. I don't know what that means, really. Maybe I just like the symbolism that a new year means there's a fresh beginning.  Everyone gets a chance to reinvent themselves, make changes, discard.  New Year to me means a renewed sense of self and clarity for all of the things I want (or don't want).

I have had an incredible year. I don't want to say it was all negative because I believe there is so much power and growth in adversity.  So with that perspective, I am thankful. More than anything, I want to feel OK, trust myself a lot more than I ever have before and let go of everything I have been so attached to.

New Years Day was an adventure over icy roads with no detour and no shoulder to pull off on for about 100 miles or more.  I thought I had planned my route out and everything was safe, right? In the moments where we really don't know if we're going to make it out of a scary situation unscathed or not, we have to just let go and trust.  And we can't always plan ahead for the unexpected.  During the drive when I was sliding all over the roads and a clear blacktop wasn't in sight anywhere, I had to just keep moving forward, I had to surrender, trust myself, trust my abilities, trust the drivers of the 18-wheelers on the road, and trust that soon enough, that road was going to clear and everything would be fine. And it did. What an amazing metaphor for life and what an incredible lesson that was for me on my first day of the new year!

Thanksgiving

Tonight is the eve of Thanksgiving.  I am baking an apple pie at 9:30 at night and wondering what the rest of the world is doing.  Maybe some people are with family, maybe some are alone.  Maybe some are praying for the things I already have. I'm thankful for so many things in my life.  Even in the middle of what feels like a storm, there is silence and peace in the center of it.
I find myself there.

Grandpa

It has been a little while since I've written.  On one hand, there is so much to say. So much to be grateful for. So many wonderful irons in the fire, so much to look forward to.  But on the other, there is little I am able to say about the last two months. Perhaps all of it too painful and I'm doing my best to not sink into a place that takes me away from all of the good going on in my life. It is now November.  The entire month of October seemed to just fly by like it never happened.  

I spent almost a month in Texas, visiting with family and trying my best to relax. It was a long and tiresome adventure in a lot of ways.  Many emotions surfaced after laying dormant for a lot of years. I visited the house where I grew up. It was the first time since my Grandfather passed away in 2009 that I had been back. I looked around the place and it was familiar, yet so far in the distance that I was unable to relate to it anymore.  I imagined myself growing up there and in the conditions in which I did.  I was amazed at how much the house had stayed the same but had also deteriorated. I think a home, left unoccupied for a period of time, just shuts down. As if abandoned and cut off from the life forces that once loved and occupied it's walls, just causes it to lose its will to live.

After wandering around a bit, I stayed mostly in my Grandfathers room, sifting through his chest of drawers and hoping to find some old cards and drawings that I made for him when I was a child. When I reached the second drawer, I found all of his hankies.  For whatever reason, seeing these brought me to tears almost immediately. His bandanna handkerchiefs were always, always something he carried.  The only day in his life that I know of where he didn't have one, was on Sundays when he went to church. My Aunt found me, sobbing, crouched down next to his dresser.  She offered her bit of condolences but I realized at that moment, that while the rest of my family stayed there and grieved after the funeral, I left the next day and never went through all of the stages of grief that they did. My heart was in a place that they had already worked through, and I felt a little alone. I felt like 5-year-old me, sitting there in the same spot where he used to play his accordion. 

I never did find the old cards and drawings I made for him.  But I did find some old letters that he had written to his mother while he was in basic training for the Army. I took as many as I could find, all neatly wrapped in plastic bags, tied firmly with used bread ties. He owned an awful lot of junk, and collected a lot of things but somehow, he always managed to keep all of that chaos neatly organized, even if it was in his own special ways.  

I read a few of the letters when I went back home and I felt connected to his spirit again.  But this was another time and another place. Here he was, writing letters and sending money back home in 1948, long before he had met my Grandmother, had my Mother and then later found himself raising me until I was 9. And here I was, his Granddaughter all grown up, reading his thoughts in 2012.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that those letters hadn't be re-read by anyone else but him and my Great Grandma since 1948.

Now I'm back in Denver, and the dust from a place I used to be able to call home is settling back in Texas. 

Charles Chaplin in "The Great Dictator"

I’m sorry

But I don't want to be an Emperor

That's not my business

I don't want to rule or conquer anyone

I should like to help everyone if possible

Jew, Gentile

Black, White

We all want to help one another

Human beings are like that

We want to live by each other's happiness

Not by each other's misery

We don't want to hate and despise one another

In this world there’s room for everyone and the good earth is rich

And can provide for everyone

The way of life can be free and beautiful

But we have lost the way

Greed has poisoned men's souls

Has barricaded the world with hate

Has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed

We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in

Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want

Our knowledge has made us cynical

Our cleverness hard and unkind

We think too much, and feel too little

More than machinery, we need humanity

More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness

Without these qualities life will be violent

And all will be lost

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together

The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men

Cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity of us all

Even now, my voice is reaching millions throughout the world

Millions of despairing men, women, and little children

Victims of a system that makes men torture

And imprison innocent people

To those who can hear me I say“Do not despair”

The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed

The bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress

The hate of men will pass

And dictators die

And the power they took from the people

Will return to the people

And so long as men die

Liberty will never perish

Soldiers, don't give yourselves to brutes

Men who despise you, enslave you

Who regiment your lives

Tell you what to do, what to think, and what to feel

Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder

Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men

Machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts

You are not machines

You are not cattle

You are men

You have the love of humanity in your hearts

You don't hate

Only the unloved hate

The unloved and the unnatural

Soldiers, don't fight for slavery

Fight for liberty

In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written“The kingdom of God is within man”

Not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men

In you, you the people

You the people have the power

The power to create machines

The power to create happiness

You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful

To make this life a wonderful adventure

Then in the name of democracy, let us use that power

Let us all unite

Let us fight for a new world, a decent world

That will give men a chance to work

That will give youth a future

And old age a security

By the promise of these things brutes have risen to power

But they lie, they do not fulfill their promise

They never will

Dictators free themselves

But they enslave the people

Now let us fight to fulfill that promise

Let us fight to free the world

To do away with national barriers

Do away with greedWith hate and intolerance

Let us fight for a world of reason

A world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness

Soldiers! In the name of democracy, let us all unite!

Look up! Look up!

The clouds are lifting, the sun is breaking through

We are coming out of the darkness into the light

We are coming into a new world

A kind new world where men will rise above their hate and brutality

The soul of man has been given wings, and at last, he is beginning to fly

He is flying into the rainbow, into the light of hope, into the future

That glorious future that belongs to you, to me and to all of us

Look up. Look up

-Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin ("The Great Dictator, 1940")

A Year and a Half in Denver!

It’s been a crazy year and a half. I came to Denver with absolute reluctance, with only what could fit into my car and not a single clue as to what would happen next. I had to leave Dallas because everything felt as though it was in shambles. I needed to simplify and stabilize. So when the job called in Denver, I answered. I knew I had to make some kind of move. Standing there stagnant wasn’t an option.


I had never been to Denver until I arrived two days before I was to start on Monday. I was hired as a denim designer for a western wear company and that’s all I lived, breathed and knew for the first six months. The first month and a half, I lived mostly like a squatter in a nice but tiny, overpriced apartment with no furniture and only an air mattress. I think it was a sign that I wanted to have one foot in and one foot out. I was never completely OK with being in Denver. It never fit me the way it does a lot of people who move here and instantly fall in love. The mountains and nature are beautiful, but cities each have a personality and they speak to you. Much in the way friendships are born, cities can be the same way.

I never really knew how long I’d stay here or what would become of my life in Denver. My job felt rocky (no pun really intended) from the very beginning. People were coming and going, mysteriously disappearing, walking out, getting fired, etc. So, I sensed the instability early in the game and knew that whatever I did, or for however long I was here, I had to make the best of my situation. I absolutely love what I do. I love to create, to make a difference and to contribute. I really feel as though my heart and soul were poured into the lines I was responsible for. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t give 100%, nor did I think of throwing in the towel before I had a chance to see it all through. I had a responsibility to my lines, and to myself. I wanted nothing more than to see them all succeed. I soldiered on, despite the volatility at work. Early on, I even had two possible job offers and one in LA for sure but I knew I needed to stick this one out. Something told me there was a reward for hanging in there.

So I did what I felt was right.

More months went by, I never took vacation time, I missed out on a lot of family holidays and events. Mostly because I took on an additional (huge) line at work when they failed to hire a tops designer to replace the old one who left. Of course, I was doing more work but not getting paid any more for it. Eventually, I found myself in the doctor’s office having myself checked out to make sure I was alright. I was having terrible neck, back, and nerve issues. I was going to the massage therapist twice a month just to feel OK. I made jokes about self-medicating with wine after work but honestly, it wasn’t a joke. I wasn’t drinking heavily, but the simple fact that I thought of that as a way out should have told me things were not OK. I was miserable inside and just dying to do something, anything else. I started doing more yoga, meditation and bought myself a bike that I had been wanting for so long. I loved riding my bike as much as I could. I found that doing things that were completely unrelated to work in my downtime was essential for my well being. Interestingly enough, the love of bike riding led to another weekend project of a bike bag and I began pursuing that as a possible business venture. I submitted my design specs to a factory and within weeks, my first prototypes arrived.

A few more months went by and as providence would have it, my job let me go. That was 2 weeks ago but it already feels like an eternity. I am now so far removed from that place and state of mind that I can barely relate to any of it anymore. At the time, it didn’t feel too good at all. I was scared and had a sore ego. But as I see it now, they really did me a huge favor. I was dragging my feet and afraid to take a chance, afraid to leave the comfort of a nest. None of us ever want to lose that steady paycheck but I have to tell you, your happiness is priceless. No matter how much they are paying, what you feel at the end of the day is really all that matters. I am happier now than I have been all year. I can’t tell you how great it feels to work on something I truly love and believe in. And even if I have to go and work some plain ol' job for a while, I am totally fine with it!

The good news is, I am no longer having any neck pains or back trouble; I can’t help but think it was all stress related due to my job.

Oh, and of course I met a wonderful man, too. :) He has been such a support and my rock through all of this. Oddly enough, I think I was just two weeks away from packing up my car and heading to LA when I met him. If I would have just quit everything and given up, I wouldn't have met him, nor would I have probably pursued my own line of bike bags the way I have now. After all, it was all the bike rides with him that made me realize what it was I needed to pursue. My life is better now, today, than it was April 17th 2011 when I arrived in Denver for “a job”. Maybe the job brought me here, but maybe it wasn't the whole reason I ended up here at all. At first glance, what we see in front of us, what appears as an obvious journey is just a stepping stone to something even bigger and greater than what we could ever plan.

And I guess my point in all of this is, if you’re unhappy where you are, start moving into the direction you want to go. And if you don’t know where you want to go exactly, just start moving and life will take it from there.

Departure

Tonight feels very heavy for me.  Reality is setting in that I will be bracing myself soon for the upcoming departure of my boyfriend when he leaves for a four month deployment.  I have never been in a place quite like this and I'm really scared.  I already miss him.  I wonder how I will cope, I wonder so many things.  Going through something like this makes everything else in my life seem very small and insignificant.  I will need my family and friends more now than ever before.

L.A. reminds me that I'm OK

I’m still coming down from my 6-day trip to Los Angeles.  I arrived back in Denver early Thursday morning and headed into work, still glowing with LA energy.  For the first time in a long time, my visit to the west coast wasn't so bittersweet.  It felt good to be there, like I was home again.  The city assured me that nothing had been moved since I’d last been there, and that everything was just as I’d left it.   I’m amazed at the way each individual connects with a city.  One man’s love affair with a city such as Denver is another man’s disdain.  Cities speak differently to each one of us, depending on who we are.  And I’m learning the importance of loving where you live. Our lives are too short to just exist.  

Love happens only when you surrender

BEYOND DEPENDENCY AND DOMINATION  - Osho

"Breaking Out of the Shell of the Ego"

I have been always surprised by the number of people who come to me and say they are afraid of love. What is the fear of love? It is because when you really love somebody your ego starts slipping away and melting. You cannot love with the ego; the ego becomes a barrier, and when you want to drop the barrier between yourself and the other, the ego says, "This is going to be a death. Beware!"

The death of the ego is not your death; the death of the ego is really your possibility of life. The ego is just a dead crust around you, it has to be broken and thrown away. It comes into being naturally--just as a traveler collects dust on his clothes, on his body, and he has to take a bath to get rid of the dust. As we move through time, the dust of our experiences, our knowledge, of the life we have lived, of the past, collects. That dust becomes the ego. It accumulates and becomes a crust around you, which has to be broken and thrown away. One has to take a bath every day, in fact every moment, so that this crust never becomes a prison.

It will be helpful to understand where the ego comes from, to understand the roots.

A child is born and is absolutely helpless, particularly the human child. He cannot survive without others' help. Most children of the animals, the trees, the birds, can survive without the parents, can survive without a society, without a family. Even if sometimes help is needed, it is very little--a few days, at the most a few months. But a human child is so helpless that he has to depend on others for years. It is there that the root has to be sought.

Why does helplessness create the human ego? The child is helpless, he depends on others, but the ignorant mind of the child interprets this dependence as if he is the center of the whole world. The child thinks, "Whenever I cry, my mother runs immediately; whenever I am hungry, I just have to give an indication and the breast is given. Whenever I am wet, just a slight cry and somebody comes and changes my clothes." The child lives like an emperor. In fact he is absolutely helpless and dependent, and the mother and father, the family and his caretakers, are all helping him to survive. They are not dependent on the child, the child is dependent on them. But the mind of the child interprets this as if he is the center of the whole world, as if the whole world exists just for him.

And the world of the child is, of course, very small in the beginning. It consists of the mother, the caretaker, the father on the fringe--this is the child's whole world. These people love the child. And the child becomes more and more egoistic. He feels himself to be the very center of all existence, and in that way the ego is created. Through dependence and helplessness, the ego is created.

In fact the child's real situation is just the contrary from what he thinks; there is no real justification to create such an ego. But the child is absolutely ignorant, he is not capable of understanding the complexity of the thing. He cannot know that he is helpless, he thinks he is the dictator! And then for his whole life he will try to remain the dictator. He will become a Napoleon, an Alexander, an Adolf Hitler--your presidents, prime ministers, dictators, are all childish. They are trying to achieve the same thing they experienced as children; they want to be the center of the whole existence. With them the world should live and die; the whole world is their periphery and they are the center of it; the very meaning of life is hidden in them.

The child, of course, naturally finds this interpretation correct, because when the mother looks at him, in the eyes of the mother he sees that he is the significance of her life. When the father comes home, the child feels that he is the very meaning of the father's life. This lasts for three or four years--and the years at the beginning of life are the most important; never again will there be a time in a person's life with the same potential.

Psychologists say that after the first four years the child is almost complete. The whole pattern is fixed; throughout the rest of life you will repeat the same pattern in different situations. And by the seventh year the child has all his attitudes confirmed, his ego is settled. Now he moves out into the world--and then everywhere he encounters problems, millions of problems! Once you are out of the circle of the family, problems will arise--because nobody else bothers about you in the same way your mother bothered about you; nobody is as concerned about you as your father was. Instead, everywhere you find indifference, and the ego is hurt.

But now the pattern is set. Whether it hurts or not, the child cannot change the pattern--it has become the very blueprint of his being. He will play with other children and try to dominate them. He will go to school and try to dominate, to come first in his class, to become the most important student. He might believe he is superior but he finds that all the other children believe the same way. There is conflict, there are egos, there is fighting, struggle.

Then this becomes the whole story of life: there are millions of egos around you, just like yours, and everybody is trying to control, maneuver, dominate--through wealth, power, politics, knowledge, strength, lies, pretensions, hypocrisies. Even in religion and morality, everybody is trying to dominate, to show the rest of the world that "I am the center of the world."

This is the root of all problems between people. Because of this concept, you are always in conflict and struggle with somebody or other. Not that others are enemies to you--everybody else is just like you, in the same boat. The situation is the same for everybody else; they have been brought up in the same way.

There exists a certain school of psychoanalysts in the West who have proposed that unless children are brought up without their fathers and mothers, the world will never be at peace. I don't support them, because then children will never be brought up in any way! Those psychologists have something of truth in their proposal, but it is a very dangerous idea. Because if children are brought up in nurseries without fathers and mothers, without any love, with total indifference, they may not have the problems of the ego but they will have other, even more damaging and dangerous problems.

If a child is brought up in total indifference he will have no center. He will be a hotchpotch, clumsy, not knowing who he is. He will not have any identity. Afraid, scared, he will not be able to take even a single step without fear, because nobody has loved him. Of course, the ego will not be there, but without it he will have no center. He will not become a buddha; he will be just dull and crippled, always feeling afraid.

Love is needed to make you feel fearless, to make you feel that you are accepted, that you are not useless, that you cannot be discarded in the junkyard. If children are brought up in a situation where love is lacking, they will not have egos, that's true. Their life will not have so much struggle and fight. But they will not be able to stand up for themselves at all. They will be always in flight, escaping from everybody, hiding in caves in their own being. They will not be buddhas, they will not be radiant with vitality, they will not be centered, at ease, at home. They will simply be eccentric, off-center. That will not be a good situation either.

So I don't support these psychologists. Their approach would create robots, not human beings--and robots of course have no problems. Or, they may create human beings who are more like animals. There will be less anxiety, less ulcers, less cancer, but that is not worth achieving when it means that you cannot grow to a higher peak of consciousness. Instead you would be falling downward; it will be a regression. Of course, if you become an animal there will be less anguish, because there will be less consciousness. And if you become a stone, a rock, there will be no anxiety at all because there is nobody inside to feel anxious, to feel anguish. But this is not worth achieving. One has to be like a god, not like a rock. And by that I mean it to have absolute consciousness and still have no worries, no anxieties, no problems; to enjoy life like the birds, to celebrate life like birds, to sing like birds--not through regression but by growing to the optimum of consciousness.

The child gathers ego--it is natural, nothing can be done about it. One has to accept it. But later on, there is no need to keep carrying it. That ego is needed in the beginning for the child to feel that he is accepted, loved, welcomed--that he is an invited guest, not an accident. The father, the mother, the family, and the warmth around the child help him to grow strong, rooted, grounded. It is needed, the ego gives him protection--it is good, it is just like the shell of a seed. But the shell should not become the ultimate thing, otherwise the seed will die. The protection can go on too long, then it becomes a prison. The protection must remain a protection while it is needed, and when the moment comes for the hard shell of the seed to die into the earth, it should die naturally so that the seed can sprout and life can be born.

The ego is just a protective shell--the child needs it because he is helpless. The child needs it because he is weak; the child needs it because he is vulnerable and there are millions of forces all around. He needs protection, a home, a base. The whole world may be indifferent but he can always look toward home, and from there he can gather significance.

But, with significance comes the ego. The child becomes egoistic, and with this ego arise all the problems you face. This ego will not allow you to fall in love. This ego would like everybody to surrender to you; it will not allow you to surrender to anybody--and love happens only when you surrender.

Osho - "Being in Love: How to Love with Awareness and Relate Without Fear"

Sacred Ground

There is a road in the hearts of all of us, hidden and seldom traveled,
which leads to an unknown, secret place.
The old people came literally to love the soil,
and they sat or reclined on the ground with a feeling of
being close to a mothering power.
Their tee-pees were built upon the earth
and their altars were made of earth.
The soul was soothing, strengthening, cleansing and healing.
That is why the old Indian still sits upon the earth instead of
propping himself up and away from its life giving forces.
For him, to sit or lie upon the ground is to be able to think more deeply
and to feel more keenly. He can see more clearly into the mysteries of
life and come closer in kinship to other lives about him.

-Chief Luther Standing Bear

When I was a child, I preferred to be barefoot.  I loved feeling the earth beneath my feet and the grass between my toes; I would spend hours sitting on the ground, exploring the little world that exists down there.  The blades of grass formed forests for the ants and tiny insects. I watched them work to gather food or find their way back home; or maybe they were little explorers.  I wondered what their perspective of life was. Probably not much different from my world that was barely opening up to the vastness and complexity of the universe around me. I remember feeling so connected to nature and the earth. Mother Nature was my playground. I loved climbing trees, discovering plants and animals and I spent a lot of time laying in the cool grass, looking up at the sky. It was a comforting feeling to know I was cradled safely.  There is something to be said about the ground and it's sacred energy.  

I found myself lying on the cool lawn of a nearby park last Saturday night. I could hear myself think, and feel. For the first time in a very long time, I remembered how much I loved laying on the ground and feeling the depth and strength of the earth beneath me, to feel the cool blades of grass against my back like a soft blanket, to connect physically and on a soul-level with the world we belong to.  It's amazing to me how much we forget that she's there.  Always there, holding us up, providing for us, nurturing.  We get so tangled up in a world of wires and disconnect that we forget the magnificence that exists right beneath our feet.  If you are ever so inclined, take your shoes off, lay on the soft grass and you will feel the loving energy that exists there. 

We Are.

We do not become healers. We came as healers. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.

We do not become storytellers. We came as carriers of the stories we and our ancestors actually lived. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.

We do not become artists. We came as artists. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.

We do not become writers, dancers, musicians, helpers, peacemakers. We came as such. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.

We do not learn to love in this sense. We came as Love. We are Love. Some of us are still catching up to who we truly are.

Myths and Twin Flames

The Greek legend that Aristophanes tells in Plato’s Symposium is another kind of story, which is similar to that of the second chapter of Genesis and the Hindu story of the Self. Aristophanes says that in the beginning there were creatures composed of what are now two human beings. And those were of three sorts: male/female, male/male and female/female. The gods then split them all into two. But after they had been split apart, all they could think of to do was to embrace each other again in order to reconstitute the original units. So we all spend our lives trying to find and re-embrace our other halves.

Although Aristophanes was considered more of a comic poet than anything else, I can’t help but wonder if his speech on love was meant to enlighten us on our crazy human behavior or confuse us even further. I guess it’s a primitive version of explaining why we feel a sense of wholeness when we meet an equal counterpart.

When I first read the Greek legend that Aristophanes talks about in Plato's Symposium, I didn't realize the correlation between his story, the Hindu story of Self and the second Chapter of Genesis when God creates woman from man. The two beings, male and female, are theorized to have begun as one and split into two life forms, but always maintaining a sense of connectedness with each other, whether on a spiritual, conscious or sub-conscious level. It could also explain why we have our feminine side and masculine side. It is quite fascinating when you think about it. In the same way that twin siblings are connected on an emotional and mental level, wouldn't it make sense to have that innate understanding within yourself if indeed there was another person out there who mirrored you? Truly something to ponder.

"Every relationship has a spiritual purpose that helps us grow and become stronger. Sometimes, our most challenging relationships bring the greatest personal blessings. From them we learn about forgiveness, patience, and other virtues." ~ Doreen Virtue

Hanuman Festival

The Hanuman Festival is two weeks away as I write this.  When I first heard about it, I knew it was something I had to attend.  Not just for the yoga but for the atmosphere, the energy.  I'm looking forward to losing myself in the moment.

Emptiness

Emptiness cannot be polluted by anything, its purity is total and absolute. Out of that emptiness, living in that emptiness, great joy and great peace arise and well up. This is what I call creativity. It can become a song, it can become a painting, it can become a dance, it can become love, it can become all kinds of things. But one thing is similar: it overflows. This overflowing love is a state, a luxury, a sharing for the sheer joy of sharing. 


-Osho

One Year in Denver

It's been a little over a year since I moved to Denver.  There is such a wide range of emotions, yet I feel as though I have so few memories to share.  Maybe I do, but they escape me at the moment. I traveled a bit, though it was mostly for work.  OK, almost entirely for work.  The last year of my life has been dedicated to work and then more work, followed by an awful lot of alone time that I like to refer to as exile. In the beginning I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out if this was a good or bad thing.  I have met a few really good people I would consider friends but in life there is change, so the lingering thought in the back of my mind is always questioning if I will be able to stay here long term or not.  It makes the rest of my life decisions a bit hard to make. But it also allows me to surrender to whatever will be. Some days I wish my career weren't a deciding factor on where I choose to plant that seed that eventually creates deep roots.

The last year has been such an adventure of self.  I have learned a lot about myself and my ability to interact with the human species in a corporate environment.  I have learned that quiet repose isn't a sentence or necessarily a bad thing. Quite the opposite. I feel like I ran around all over the country for the last several years.  It wasn't aimless or unnecessary. I don't regret any of it.  I am a lot more connected to who I am these days and more certain of what it is I really want.  I realize just how much shit I accepted in the past for the sake of being independent or giving someone too much benefit where it shouldn't have been allowed. The last year has been good to me. I now have enough.  In fact, more than enough.  Stabilization has occurred, even though I miss my family and friends a lot.  I have been here before, though. And like all changes during our lifetime (lifetimes), we react accordingly, we balance out, we adjust, we endure, we overcome and then we wait patiently for the next wave of change, whatever or wherever it may be.  My biggest lesson in this experience has been to forget everything that was, forget everything that you think will be and just live life, fully, in what is right now.

I had so many reserves when I moved here. It took 6 months to even be OK.  Even now, as beautiful as Colorado is, I am still not 100% OK.  Moving here, in some ways, really came as a surprise and went against everything I had "planned" for in my life.  But I'm glad I did it.  I have fallen in love with the space I'm in these days, and I don't mean that just in locality.  It is easier for me to take a few moments to express my gratitude. And when I look around, it doesn't take much to see what I have to be thankful for.  The sun shines brightly across a deep blue sky almost every day.  A breeze flows nicely into my 3rd floor window, the same window that is like a picture frame looking out west towards the mountains.  I never tire of seeing the mountains, or nature.  One would have to be completely dispassionate to not notice and appreciate the beauty and magical energy that exists here, although sometimes I feel as though the people here take ownership of the land, rather than acknowledging that they belong to the earth.

My first experience of Red Rocks happened at a drum circle on the night of the biggest full moon we'll see all year.  Mother Nature was in full force.  The wind was howling and blowing through the giant rocks like a powerful army of spirits rushing through. The rain poured down and the clouds hung low and heavy.  The moon peeked out just a couple of times to appease those of us who stood on the main stage with our drums.  The whole night was a magnificent display of how humans and nature belong to each other.

I have reconnected with the little girl inside that used to love riding her bike.  I went bike riding and shortly thereafter, bought a bike of my own.  My brand new cruiser sits in my living room, eagerly awaiting that first ride together.  She seems as anxious to shine as I am to show her off.

And Pickles, bless her sweet soul. Her fuzzy little paws greet me enthusiastically every afternoon when I get home.  My dog's unwavering love and loyalty have truly become one of my greatest gifts, especially during this journey of my life.  I hope that I become the person that she thinks I am.  :)

So looking back on this last year, I do have a lot to be thankful for.  The road may have started off a little rocky, with a lot of resistance on my part, but it has smoothed out.  And even though I think of where I may be next, I am content...and looking forward to the next chapter of my life.

Six Months in Denver

The leaves are changing. I have watched the little elm tree outside my office window transition from bright green leaves into a deep red orange hue. When I first arrived in Denver, the last snow fall of the spring happened. I was happy to be here to witness the gentle flakes as they fell through the sunlight. It was different, unique and altogether strange. Life looked different to me six months ago. The summer here was nice. It was never too hot to enjoy the outdoors and I could finally sleep with the windows open at night!

I have transitioned well. It only took me 6 months to feel settled, to make friends, to explore, to leave behind all of the things that didn't have a heart, that didn't serve me well. I have realized the importance of letting go, so as to embrace the good things that come when a window is opened.  And I have learned that getting to a place that feels good, often doesn't feel so good while you are on the journey, but if you’re patient and wait for the “stuff” to flush out, it begins to feel better and better every day. A clearer picture will emerge, things will start to make sense and the life you have chosen will become more of what you needed than you ever realized it would.

Meditation on Kindness

When you are in a crowd, look around at all the different people. Notice their clothes, faces, hair, sizes. Look at their gestures and movements, noticing if they are loose, stiff or free. Just take it in, without judgment, as if you were looking at a garden of people. Then see them all as energy fields, the same as you. Just energy. As you continue watching, think to yourself, “Every person here has had to live every day of their lives, just like me. They have had to get up every day, decide what to wear, face loss, success, hurt, shame, just like me. Everyone fell down while learning to walk, everyone probably felt anxious the first time they kissed, just like me. Each person has a story to tell. Some of the chapters are heroic. Some of them are about loss, some about fear, some about achievement or joy, just like my story”. Then continue to think of them as energy, conceived as an egg and sperm, just like you.

We are a moment in each person’s story, make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.

Excerpt from "If the Buddha Dated" 

A little soul retrieval in the darnedest places...

I thought I was so ready for the weekend, until it got here. I am thankful for the mornings when I can “sleep in” (I woke up at 7 AM, couldn’t go back to sleep for the life of me!) But then what do I do with the rest of Saturday and Sunday? In the short time that I have been here, I find myself asking that question a lot. What to do, where to go, with whom. The truth is, the idea of doing something alone is lackluster. So I find myself doing mundane things when I'd rather be out exploring. Clean apartment, walk Pickles, eat lunch, rinse and repeat.  The funk needs to end soon.

And I do realize it’s all up to me. What it's going to take to give me an inspirational jolt, I haven't yet discovered.

I spent three days in Oklahoma this past week for a business trip. Having grown up in Texas, I find this kind of “research” to be kind of tedious. Nothing in the way of this lifestyle and mindset has changed much since I wore cowboy boots in the 8^th grade (Yes, I admit it). Although I will say, denim has changed a bit.

These people are good folks. They love their family, they love Jesus, their horses and livestock, they love honesty, integrity, shaking hands, simplicity, home. When I go to these events and wear the required uniform (i.e. Jeans, Boots) I reconnect with that 14-year-old girl I once was, wearing my red Justin boots, Rockies and feeding 'Big Red', the unbroken horse that kicked me, knocked me down, left a bruise on my right butt cheek and my ego hurt for weeks. The familiarity of this life is something that eludes me but at the same time I feel a sense of comfort in it all. Perhaps this is a part of my life that I need to remember. It was an innocent time for me, one of very simple and humble times and a time where the world was a big white canvas just waiting for me to paint whatever future I wanted.  In many ways, a lot of the people I meet remind me how far I have come in my life. The road behind me is very long and foggy.  This experience was a reminder that I have done pretty good thus far and I am comforted. So while I am doing a good service to the company, I am also taking notes of my own personal journey.

Now What?

I have been here in Denver for three months, so now what? That is the question I seem to ask a lot. There is a lot of quiet time to reflect on the last whirlwind year of my life. I am OK with the quiet time, I guess.

Colorado is beautiful.  I sometimes can't believe I live here.  I met my family in Durango for the 4th of July weekend. It was very nice to get away, to drive somewhere. I loved the mountains, Mesa Verde, Durango's historic downtown. I just loved being with everyone again, even in all of their chaos. I realized on the way back to Denver that I am on what seems like two separate journeys.  One of self and the other with matters of the heart and companionship.  It's amazing what a long road trip can do for your soul.

My trip back to Denver began at 4 PM and made it's way well into the night. I didn't arrive home until 11 PM. The road was silent, no radio, no cell phone. Just me and Pickles. I had a lot of time to think. And in some ways, it was a deeper conversation with myself than I usually have. Many things were said and realized in all of that silence.